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But I am not as [strong/assertive/skilful] as other men!

Posted on July 8, 2014 at 10:45 AM

Men with unwanted same-sex attractions often tend to compare themselves with other men. Mostly they see themselves as “not man enough”, i.e. as not at the same level as them. They would say things like, “I don’t want to take part in our men’s group at church. I am rather clumsy and not as skillful as the other men when it comes to repair things.” or, “I am not as self-confident as other men.”

In many cases, this way of comparing themselves to other men as if that was an alien world they do not belong to reaches back to early childhood. The boys naturally tried to bond with their father, but for whatever reason this did not work out – be it because dad was emotionally not accessible or not there altogether. Maybe mom also spoke bad about dad in company of the boy. The boy would have tried for a while to bond with his dad after all, but finally he gave up – on bonding with dad and with this on finding his way into the male world altogether. Masculinity stayed a big myth for them and they somehow felt stuck between the sexes.

 

As puberty and with it its sexual feelings kicked in, they were attracted by what they perceived as being different from them – in this case men.

 

Now, on their way out and (back) to masculinity as it was planned to, they feel anxious and shy – in short uncomfortable – in company with other men. They realize that the contact with other men is crucial for every man if he wants to find his way into manhood, yet they still have that feeling of “being different” and “not being man enough”.

 

How to deal with that?

 

There is only one way: Face your fears. Yes, the other men might realize you are somewhat clumsy and afraid. However, if you fight your fears and clumsiness and go for it just the same, this will always be seen as a sign of manliness. If you run for the hills, you will feed the fears and make the gap between you and the male world even bigger. This will never be seen as a sign of manliness by any man. So fight! A man that fights always counts as a true man!

Nobody said it would be easy becoming a real man – but it is so much worth it!

 

Rob

Categories: Male Identity, What to Do, Therapy


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