We determined to mature in our relationships with men and women,
learning the meaning of a partnership of equals,
seeking neither dominance over people
nor servile dependency on them.
"Homosexuality is an attempt to achieve human contact and to break through stark isolation." [Charles Socarides, Homosexuality, p. 159] It is an inappropriate attempt to meet real needs (please review Can Homosexuals Change?).
There are appropriate ways to get these needs met. Dr. Lillian B. Rubin notes, "The burgeoning field of adult development contradicts earlier theories that identity formation is a one-time, all-or-nothing affair that is crystallized in early childhood and determined by the nature of family relations. Rather, most modern theorists now understand the formation of a personal identity as a lifetime process to which our varied experiences in the social world, as well as the family, make their contributions.... It is friends who provide a reference outside the family against which to measure and judge ourselves; who help us during passages that require our separation and individuation; who support us as we adapt to new roles and new rules; who heal the hurts and make good the deficits of other relationships in our lives..." [Lillian Rubin, Just Friends, p. 11-13]
Healthy friendships are vital to true recovery. As Dr. Moberly states, "...Deep friendships ....are central, and indeed essential, to the solution of the problem of homosexuality." [Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 32]
When some of us heard this, we felt a deep sense of despair. We thought, "I've never been able to sustain a close friendship! Does this mean there is no hope for me?" It does not! Friendship is a skill to be developed. Step 12 tells us how!
We begin by acknowledging that this is an area in which we need to mature. We must recognize and put off those self-defeating ways of thinking and acting that have kept us from true friend- ships and real freedom.
Most of us suffered deficits in our childhood relationship with our same-sex parent. This made it difficult to relate well with same-sex friends from our earliest years. During puberty, when sexual feelings became intense, many of us pulled within ourselves and hid. We may have tried to appear outwardly normal and may even have succeeded in concealing our inner turmoil, but we felt somehow outsiders who were not truly accepted by others.
Some of us had character defects which put people off but which we did not know how to cor- rect. We sometimes tried to "buy" friends through sexual activity. We felt we had nothing else to offer that could make anyone want a friendship with us. Feeling we could never be loved for ourselves, we looked on sex as a way to get a hold on others and compel them to want us.
We tried to find love through sex but instead experienced rejection and disappointment. Unre- solved problems within ourselves and within those with whom we tried to relate sabotaged our dreams. Our unmet love needs drove us to reach out--often unwisely, usually inappropriately. Our unhealed childhood wounds forced us to pull back--fearing the pain of another hurt.
Dr. Stanley Willis II notes, "...Most homosexual contacts....when closely examined...are often part of a complex psychodynamic system which, despite appearances to the contrary, is actually designed to avoid being emotionally bound or committed to another person. Too often the homosexual courtship...plays out an old sterile drama, compulsively repeated, which...reveals itself to be basically nothing more than a minuet of approach and avoidance.... Mere orgasm ...becomes the limited aim of the relationship. The partner is often treated as an expendable object to be quickly replaced or discarded." [Understanding and Counseling the Male Homosexual, p. 9]
Such experiences bring an even greater fear of being hurt. "The direction of the search shifts toward an attempt to find sexual intimacy without any emotional involvement.... But the deeper needs for real security and love are never really satisfied. There is an endless dissatisfaction which either heightens the urgent desire to make still further homosexual contacts or aggravates the undercurrent of loneliness and despair." [ibid., p. 141]
Having realized the futility of such a pattern and being determined to seek true friendships instead of sexual activity, we begin by reaching out to persons of the same sex. "An attachment to the same sex is not wrong, indeed it is precisely the right thing for meeting same-sex deficits. What is improper is the eroticization of the friendship." [Elizabeth Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 20]
Having learned that the erotic short-cut was really a dead-end, we set out to do the hard work necessary to have healthy friendships. We sought relationships founded on Jesus Christ, sus- tained by healthy doses of time and effort, and containing elements of love, deep sharing, self-sacrifice, encouragement, stimulation, spiritual challenge, loyalty, and plain, old-fashioned fun. [Jerry and Mary White, Friends and Friendship, p. 9-31]
It takes time to meet long-neglected needs and to heal deep wounds, but, as this takes place through the medium of healthy same-sex friendships, we can begin to reach out to persons of the other sex. "Heterosexuality is the ability to relate to both sexes...as a psychologically complete member of one's own sex." [Elizabeth Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 22] At first we begin with simple friendship, but over time romantic and even erotic feelings may come and we can proceed step-by-step toward marriage, if that is God's calling for us.
In all of this we can profit from the experience of friends in our HA chapter and from the guidance of a knowledgeable counselor. We will seek God's will and remember, "He that believeth shall not make haste" (Isaiah 28:16). We need not rush or feel any sense of anxiety. We are not trying to prove anything to anyone but are only seeking to grow up into Christ in all things (Ephesians 4:15). We know that to try something before God has readied us is to risk hurt to others and disappointment for ourselves. "Therefore I will look unto the Lord: I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me" (Micah 7:7).
In the process of developing healthy friendships, we must try to avoid two traps which under- mine wholesome relationships: dominance (or control) and servile dependency.
Control is a real issue for many of us. Because we have been hurt as children, we feel a strong need to take charge of our world so we can protect ourselves from further injury. When we were young, our parent's problems and our environment were inflicted on us. We felt we had to find some way to turn that around.
While that may have been a helpful, even necessary, strategy when we were children, it hinders our capacity for friendship now that we are adults. Because we are so afraid we will lose con- trol of our lives if we are not in charge, people find us controlling, self-centered, rigid, and lacking in spontaneity.
A person with this need to control "is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way.... What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well.... He decides to exert himself more. He becomes...still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get from the show?" [Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 60-61]
This determination to control springs from a fear to trust that we learned early in life. Because of the hurt we felt in our relationship with our same-sex parent, we put up walls to protect our- selves. We have kept these walls in place ever since.
"We non-trusters look at life and people as unsafe. We need to be in control, to make sure things turn out right. If we trust someone else, then we may not be able to guarantee the future. We might be abandoned, rejected or exploited by them. Therefore, it is easier for us to skip to another surface relationship...where we are not expected to be open, vulnerable or trusting. In surface relationships, we can maintain our power position." [Jim Conway, Adult Children of Legal or Emotional Divorce, p. 96]
We all used various means to maintain that power position. Some of us tried anger, pouting, sulking. We found that people got tired of walking on egg shells around us and turned to more congenial company.
Some of us determined to be self-sufficient. We refused to let others help us because we were overly fearful of obligation or dependency. Since we made people feel we had no need of them, they went on to others who helped them feel good about themselves by receiving as well as giving.
Others of us used weakness and neediness to gain the upper hand. We got pity, but no friend- ship. We used guilt or any other means we knew to manipulate people into giving us what we needed, to keep them from hurting us, and to get them to do what we wanted. This left them feeling used and angry. Then we wondered why we were alone.
"Healthy relationships are not power struggles. They involve give and take, and shared respon-sibility." [Janet Woititz, Struggle For Intimacy, p. 51]
"Control is an illusion.... We cannot control anyone's behaviors. We cannot (and have no business trying to) control anyone's emotions, mind, or choices. We cannot control the outcome of events. We cannot control life. Some of us can barely control ourselves.
"People ultimately do what they want to do... If doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right. If doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to...us....
"We cannot change people.... We can sometimes do things that increase the probability that people will want to change, but we can't even guarantee...that.... The only person you can... change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.
"Detach. Surrender.... You don't have to stop caring or loving. You don't have to tolerate abuse. You don't have to abandon constructive, problem-solving methods.... Make any deci- sions you need to make to take care of yourself, but don't make them to control other people.... Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities." [Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 74-75]
"Ultimately, we cannot control life, so the more we try to control it, the more out of control we feel.... We slowly find that one of the most powerful and healing acts is giving up our need to be always in control.... In this context, the word 'surrender' does not mean to 'give up'...in the military sense of losing a war. Rather, we mean that one who surrenders wins the struggle of trying to control, and ameliorates most of the resultant needless suffering... This becomes an ongoing process in life, not a goal to be achieved only once." [Charles Whitfield, Healing the Child Within, p. 68-69]
The desire to control or dominate is really a desire to play God. He is the One who should be sovereign. Many of us didn't want to take God's place. We wanted someone else to take His place in our lives. Our problem was "servile dependency."
There is an appropriate depending on others. We all need people we can trust; people we can, at times, be a child with; people on whom we can, on occasion, lean and with whom we can laugh. We all need to know that others will be there for us if needed. "No man is an island." It is not this dependency, but "servile dependency", against which our step warns.
"Servile" means "like that of slaves....; slavish, cringing....not free." [Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, p. 1659] "Servile dependency"--that clinging which cries, "Please don't leave me; I'll do anything!" is really just another addiction.
"When a person goes to another with the aim of filling a void in himself, the relationship quickly becomes the center of his or her life. It offers him a solace that contrasts sharply with what he finds everywhere else, so he returns to it more and more, until he needs it to get through each day of his otherwise stressful and unpleasant existence. When a constant exposure to something is necessary in order to make life bearable, an addiction has been brought about, however romantic the trappings. The ever-present danger of withdrawal creates an ever-present craving." [Stanton Peele with Archie Brodsky, Love and Addiction, p. 70]
"...Dependency may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to fiercely attach themselves to one another. But in actuality it is not love; it is a form of antilove. It has its genesis in a parental failure to love and it perpetuates the failure. It seeks to receive rather than to give. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth. It works to trap and constrict rather than to liberate. Ultimately it destroys rather than builds people." [M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled, p. 105]
Servile dependency destroys friendships as well. As the dependent person clings to his or her friend, expecting them to meet all his or her needs (an impossible task for any human being), the other individual begins to feel overwhelmed, smothered. They draw back. The dependent feels alarm and seeks to grab hold more tightly. So the relationship continues until the tensions blow it apart and both parties limp away deeply wounded.
To avoid servile dependency, be certain to maintain a healthy relationship with your heavenly Father. There are some needs only He can meet. He has determined that other needs are to be met through people. Don't look to only one friend to meet those needs, but try to develop three to five close friendships. Aim to divide your time equally among these friends so you will not become overly dependent on one person. Thus you can work toward that "partnership of equals" which our step encourages.
"Some of us have known only surface relationships. We have felt isolated and lonely, and have covered up our hurts and fears with humor, success, withdrawal, or with any number of other defense mechanisms. Some of us have had relationships in which we have been smothered, con-demned, manipulated, hurt and angry. We in turn have often treated others in the same way... The Lord created us as relational beings. It is His design that we find true meaning in life through the context of rich relationships.... Our relational needs are genuine. We need both a relationship with God and relationships with others if we are to become strong, healthy, loving people." [Robert McGee, Pat Springle and Jim Craddock, Your Parents and You, p. 61]
"Ideally, any relationship is going to be one in which there is a mutual sharing of nourishment. This may not be totally balanced...because each of you will go through differing seasons of need, but over a period of time the nourishment should be mutual. It is important...to ask, 'Is this relationship committed only to the needs of one person?' It is very easy for some of us to agree to friendships that are essentially lopsided." [Rich Buhler, New Choices, New Boundar- ies, p. 106-107] Such friendships do not meet our deficits or heal our wounds and thus do not promote recovery.
Carefully applying the principles in Step 12 will help us avoid these pitfalls and find the rich rewards and wonderful freedom that healthy relationships were meant to bring.
1. Are friendships really important?
II Samuel 1:25-27
Some have tried to argue from this passage that David and Jonathan had a homosexual relation- ship. The following considerations show that this is an impossible view.
First, both David and Jonathan were clearly heterosexual. David's heterosexuality was so intense it led him to violate God's law that a king should not take many wives (compare Deuter- onomy 17:14-17 and I Chronicles 3:1-9). Heterosexual passion led to the great sin of his life --adultery with Bathsheba (II Samuel 11:1-12:14). Jonathan was married and had at least one child (I Samuel 20:12-15, 42; II Samuel 4:4). One can hardly think of two less likely candidates for a homosexual love affair!
Second, had such a relationship existed, David would have hidden it rather than proclaimed it. The Mosaic law demanded death as the penalty for homosexual activity (Leviticus 20:13). For David to suggest that he and Jonathan had engaged in sexual acts would have been tantamount to asking to be stoned! The fact that David publicly announced his love for Jonathan shows he did not for one moment think anyone would believe he was referring to a homosexual relation- ship. The fact that his hearers made no move to execute him shows they did not think he was referring to homosexual activity either.
Actually, to interpret this passage to mean that David and Jonathan were sexually involved is to miss the very point David is making. David is not contrasting two kinds of sexual relation- ship (heterosexual as opposed to homosexual) but is contrasting sexual love with friendship. David thoroughly enjoyed sex, but, as much as he delighted in the love of women, the blessing of his friendship with Jonathan far outstripped any sexual love he had ever known!
It is tragic that some have never known any closeness that did not involve sex. "...The estate of male friendship--indeed, of nearly all human relationships--is sufficiently sunk that mere sex remains at the center of people's imaginations. The only moving human relationships that people seem able to conjure up are erotic ones." [Stuart Miller, Men and Friendship, p. 3] "Those who cannot conceive Friendship as a substantive love but only as a disguise or elabora-tion of Eros betray the fact that they have never had a Friend." [C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves, p. 91]
"A 'human loner' is a contradiction in terms. The existence of a human in isolation from others is like a plant trying to survive without sunlight or water." [John Powell and Loretta Brady, Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?, p. 9-10]
"A lack of human contacts is always painful. People need intimacy, warmth, a sense of worth, and frequent confirmation of their identities." [Suzanne Gordon, Lonely in America, p. 31]
"We need others...if we are to know anything, even ourselves." [C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves, p. 12]
"The proverb...expresses the gain of mutual counsel...in clear, well-defined thoughts. Two minds...acting on each other become more acute." [E. H. Plumptre, "The Book of Proverbs," The Bible Commentary IV, p. 604]
"When problems arise..., other family members are too caught up in the situation to provide necessary help and counsel. The church as a whole is too large and impersonal. The small group? Well, there are some things you simply don't feel free to share with them. They might not understand. But a friend who understands, who listens, who accepts, who cares? That relationship is beyond price. We all...need at least one friend with whom we can be wholly ourselves, wholly honest, wholly accepted." [Joseph Cooke, Celebration of Grace, p. 205]
"Possibly also in the simile of the iron lies a reminder of the discipline which friendship gives to character, a discipline...not always unaccompanied by pain. Friends 'rub each other's angles down,' and sometimes the friction is...distressing to both... The blades are sharpened by a few imperceptible filings being ground off each of their edges. The use of friendship depends very largely on its frankness, just as its sweetness depends on mutual consideration." [R. F. Horton, "The Book of Proverbs," The Expositor's Bible III, p. 405]
"We must be involved with other people, one at the very minimum, but hopefully more than one. At all times in our lives, we must have at least one person who cares for us and whom we care for... If we do not have this person, we will not be able to fulfill our basic needs.... One characteristic is essential in the other person: he must be in touch with reality himself and able to fulfill his own needs within the world." [William Glasser, Reality Therapy, p. 7]
"In the heart of our friend we see our own character reflected just as gazing into a still pool we see the reflection of our own face. It is in the frank and sympathetic intercourse of friendship that we really get to know ourselves, and to realize what is in us. We unfold to one another, we discover our similarities and mark our differences. Points which remained unobserved in our own hearts are immediately detected and understood when we see them also in our friends.... We hardly guess what a fund of happy humor is in us until we are encouraged to display it by observing how its flashes light up the face we love. Our capacities of sympathy and tenderness remain undeveloped until we wish eagerly to comfort our friend in sudden sorrow. In a true friendship we find that we are living a life which is doubled in all its faculties of enjoyment and of service; we quite shudder to think what cold, apathetic, undeveloped creatures we should have been but for that genial touch which enfolded us, and warmed our hearts into genuine feeling while it brought our minds into active play." [R. F. Horton, "The Book of Proverbs," The Expositor's Bible III, p. 405]
"Friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. If I had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, I think I should say, 'Sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.'" [The Letters of C. S. Lewis to Arthur Greeves (1914-1963), p. 477]
2. Should one be careful in choosing one's friends?
"Wisdom in Scripture is far more than intelligence.... A wise person is one who has skill in living based upon his reverential trust in God and acquired by learning and applying God's Word to daily life." [Gary Inrig, Quality Friendship, p. 125]
When Scripture warns against the fool, "the title is not a judgment on his mental capacity, but on his spiritual attitude. Some of history's most brilliant men intellectually have been what Proverbs would call fools. The chief characteristic of such a man is rebellion against God's person and truth (1:7).... A related Hebrew word means 'confidence,' and it captures the supreme characteristic of the fool: his confidence in himself, not in God.... Not only will he destroy himself (1:32), he will also destroy his friends (13:20).' [idem.]
"The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are." [C. S. Lewis, Selected Literary Essays, p. 99]
"The quality of a relationship is in direct ratio to the quality of the selves entering into that relationship." [Thomas Howard, His, (February 1977), p. 18]
I Corinthians 15:33
"'Stop deceiving yourselves' (or 'allowing yourselves to be misled.').... The delusion is spelled out in...an epigram from Menander's Thais, 'Bad company corrupts good character'.... Keeping company with evil companions can have a corrosive influence on one's own attitudes and behav- ior." [Gordon Fee, "The First Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 773]
"A Dutch proverb says, 'He that lives with cripples learns to limp;' and the Spanish, 'He that goes with wolves learns to howl.' We have a homely English proverb, 'He that lies down with dogs shall rise up with fleas'..." [Gray and Adams Bible Commentary II, p. 824]
3. What character defects should one beware of when choosing a friend?
"I have seen...all sorts of people converted--great blasphemers, pleasure-seekers, thieves, drunkards, unchaste persons, and hardened reprobates. But rarely have I seen a man converted who has been a thorough-paced liar. The heart which is crammed with craft and treachery seems as if it had passed out of the reach of grace." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXVII, (1881), p. 113-114]
"Pride, in the religious sense, is the attitude of autonomy, of self-determination, of independence of God." [J. C. P. Cockerton in Gathered Gold, p. 249]
The man who rebels against God when he does not get his way will also turn against you when you cross his will. He will also be likely to turn on you unless you join him in his rebellion against the Lord.
"When you find a man disposed to flatter yourselves, and to ridicule and vilify the absent--suspect him; beware of him; make no confidential communications to him.... The probability is, that in the very next place to which he goes, you yourself may be the subject of his ill-natured sarcasms, and the very persons he has to you been reviling, the subjects of his flattery." [Ralph Wardlaw, Lectures on the Book of Proverbs II, p. 360]
"Though we must be civil to all, yet we must be careful whom we...contact a familiarity with.... A man who is easily provoked, touchy, and...who, when he is in a passion, cares not what he says or does...is not fit to be a friend..., for he will be ever and anon angry with us and that will be our trouble, and he will expect that we should, like him, be angry with others, and that will be our sin.... Those we go with we are apt to grow like." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 907]
"We are inclined to look upon bad temper as a very human weakness....and yet the Bible again and again returns to condemn it as one of the most destructive elements in human nature.... No form of vice, not worldliness, not greed of gold, not drunkenness itself, does more to unChrist- ianize society than evil temper. For embittering life, for breaking up communities,...for devastating homes, for withering up men and women..., in short, for sheer gratuitous misery-provoking power, this influence stands alone." [Henry Drummond, The Greatest Thing in the World and Other Addresses, p. 17-18]
"There is no little truth in the saying, that we either are like our friends..., or will soon be." [Ralph Wardlaw, Lectures on the Book of Proverbs III, p. 62]
"...The word 'fear,'....expresses the general idea of reverence,--or holding in awe. God is to be feared...supremely; kings subordinately." [Ralph Wardlaw, Lectures on the Book of Proverbs III, p. 124]
"The people described as 'given to change' are...people who are rebellious and disloyal." [Gary Inrig, Quality Friendship, p. 132]
"To be given to change;...to alter for the sake of altering; to be weary of the old, and captiv-ated with the new, however untried...--is a fearful hazard." [Charles Bridges, An Exposition of Proverbs, p. 456]
The Hebrew word translated "riotous" or "glutton" "describes any form of free-spending self-indulgence..." [Gary Inrig, Quality Friendship, p. 132]
"Those that are companions of riotous men...will certainly be drawn from keeping the law of God...to transgress it..." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 953]
"Does this mean that I can just write off people like that and have nothing to do with them? Who will reach them if I ignore them? The answer is given through the first half of Proverbs 13:20, which teaches a far more positive truth: 'He who walks with wise men will be wise.' If my closest and most significant friendships are with those committed to God's wisdom, I will be building upon a solid base as I reach out to others." [Gary Inrig, Quality Friendship, p. 133-134]
4. What qualities should one look for in a prospective friend?
"True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice." [Ben Johnson in To Be a Friend, p. 13]
"The fear of the Lord is a brief description of true religion. It is a...hearty submission to our heavenly Father. It consists...in a holy reverence of God....accompanied by a child-like trust in Him, which leads to loving obedience, tender submission, and lowly adoration." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXVI, (1890), p. 338]
"If you think yourself above criticism, you are not worth it." [Derek Kidner, "Proverbs," The Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries, p. 95]
"...When the soul is filled with chaff there is no room left for wheat." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metro- politan Tabernacle Pulpit XXI, (1875), p. 294]
"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves." [Victor Hugo in To Be a Friend, p. 27]
"Every man should have a fair-sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends." [Henry Ward Beecher in ibid., p. 19]
"When two friends part they should lock up each other's secrets and exchange keys." [Diogenes in ibid., p. 10]
"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant." [Socrates in David Smith, Men Without Friends, p. 103]
"We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty." [G. K. Chesterton in Inspiring Quotations Contemporary & Classical, p. 97]
"Let me have the strength and the courage to love my friends!" [Pindar's Prayer in Stuart Miller, Men and Friendship, p. 198]
"Faults are thick when love is thin," [James Howell in Inspiring Quotations Contemporary & Classical, p. 98]
"Be true to your word, your work, and your friend." [Henry David Thoreau in To Be a Friend, p. 50]
"He that ceaseth to be a friend never was a good one." [H. G. Bohn in idem.]
5. What qualities should one develop to be a good friend?
"...Let each so enter into the feelings and desires of the other as to be of one mind with him. This loving concord cannot exist where the mind is set on 'high things,' such as rank, wealth, honor." [E. H. Gifford, "Romans," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 209]
"Instead of 'minding high things,' they are....to be ready to perform the humblest offices...; remembering that their Lord washed the disciples' feet, and, in so doing, had given them an example that they should do to one another what He had done to all (John 13:1-17)." [John Brown, Analytical Exposition of the Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Romans, p. 471]
"You remember the schoolboy's definition of a friend: 'A friend is someone who knows all about you and still likes you." [William Barclay, Daily Celebration, p. 208]
"Who seeks a faultless friend remains friendless." [Turkish proverb in The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 308]
"William James, the influential psychologist of the early 1900s, said, 'The deepest principle of man is the craving to be appreciated.'" [David Smith, Men Without Friends, p. 154]
"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it." [E. W. Howe in The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 305]
"Evil" or "corrupt" "here is sapros, a word used of rotten...fruit. When applied to rotten talk, whether this is dishonest, unkind or vulgar, we may be sure that in some way it hurts the hearers. Instead, we are to use our unique gift of speech constructively, for edifying, that is to build people up and not damage or destroy them..." [John Stott, God's New Society, p. 188]
"When seven-year-old David Wilson was asked to define love, he said: "Two friends playing together. And love is when you like to play when he wants to and you may not want to." [The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 308]
Rebecca West learned "there was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time." [The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 307]
"...Very seldom do you come across someone who really listens to you. To really listen, someone must love you in some way. Friendship is, first and foremost, an ear." [Ferrucccio, Count of Chiaramonte, in Stuart Miller, Men and Friendship, p. 109]
"The porcupine, whom we must handle gloved,
may be respected, but is never loved."
[Arthur Guiterman in David Smith, Men Without Friends, p. 86]
I John 4:7
"The root of our word friend is the Old English freon, which means 'to love.' Loving in the biblical sense means to give fully by concentrating on the needs...of the one loved. If either friend concentrates only on himself, the friendship will weaken and die. One person cannot bear the entire responsibility for the loving maintenance of a friendship." [Jerry and Mary White, Friends and Friendship, p. 91-92]
"As much as anything else, friendship is the inner habit of holding someone who is neither spouse nor relative, nor teacher, nor lover, in your heart." [Stuart Miller, Men and Friendship, p. 8]
"The only way to have a friend is to be one." [Ralph Waldo Emerson in The Treasure of Friendship, p. 10]
6. Does the course of true friendship always run smoothly?
"...If you are interested in...friendship, you have to avoid thinking it will be straightforward, easy, fast, or painless. Almost everywhere I looked, I found friendship dead, the very idea not taken seriously.... To revive true friendship...(requires) tough persistence, struggle, and... knowledge..." [Stuart Miller, Men and Friendship, p. 58]
"We call that person who has lost his father an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. And that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language holds its peace in impotence." [Joseph Roux in The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 309]
"A friendship is a delicate growth; and even when it has become robust, it can easily be blighted. The results of years may be lost in a few days.... A difficulty with a chance acquaintance is easily removed;...and even if we separate we have no deep resentment. But a difference between true friends may quickly become irreparable.... The resentment springs from a sense of abused confidence and injured love." [R. F. Horton, "The Book of Proverbs," The Expositor's Bible III, p. 405-406]
"...Can a broken friendship ever be healed? Of course. Eventually, fortified cities do fall and barred gates do open, but only after much time and energy is expended." [Jerry and Mary White, Friends and Friendship, p. 101-102]
"A man, Sir, should keep his friendships in constant repair." [Samuel Johnson in The Treasure of Friendship, p. 53]
"Faithful are the reproofs of a friend, though, for the present they are painful as wounds. It is a sign that our friends are faithful indeed if, in love to our souls, they will not suffer sin upon us, nor let us alone in it. The physician's care is to cure the patient's disease, not to please his palate." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 947]
"Paul and Barnabas parted company, men who had known each other for ten years, and had... served together for about six..., nor did they part...agreeably. What was the trouble? John Mark. This young man had gone with Paul and Barnabas on the first missionary journey.... When the party reached Perga in Pamphylia,...'John...returned to Jerusalem'.... Luke's ' withdrew' and 'went not with them to the work' denote decided blame.... When Paul pro- posed a second journey, Barnabas, a cousin of Mark's (Colossians iv.10 R.V.), suggested that he should again accompany them. Paul...would not have it, and there was a sharp contention.... Which of these two good and great men was right...? Paul was intense and Barnabas was kind, and each carried his virtue beyond...virtue. There are times when the Barnabas-like should be severe, and there are times when the Paul-like should be tender." [W. Graham Scroggie, The Acts of the Apostles, p. 117-119]
"This conflict is one of the most remarkable and important events in all Church History. We see St. Peter and St. Paul in open antagonism: the rebuke coming from St. Paul, and the blame resting on St. Peter, and this on a question very seriously affecting Christian faith and conduct in all future ages." [J. S. Howson, "Galatians," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 505]
To imply "that the Israelite by virtue of his legal observances stood in a higher position than 'sinners of the Gentiles' was to stultify the doctrine of the cross, to make Christ's death... gratuitous... Peter's error, pushed to its logical consequences, involved the overthrow of the Gospel." [G. G. Findlay, "The Epistle to the Galatians," The Expositor's Bible V, p. 846]
"We have every reason to believe that...Peter...freely acknowledged his error and honored his reprover. Both the Epistles that bear his name...testify to the high value which their author set upon the teaching of 'our beloved brother Paul.'" [ibid., p. 847]
"Let us be certain that a man is to be blamed before we withstand him; and when we do so, let it be to his face." [John Brown, An Exposition of the Epistle to the Galatians, p. 84]
7. Should I try to dominate my friends?
"Why were the ten displeased...? Because they also wanted place and power.... Jesus teaches that to serve is to reign.... We are great not as we get, but as we give, not by being lords, but by being servants, not by wearing crowns, but by bearing crosses, and by washing feet." [W. Graham Scroggie, The Gospel of Mark, p. 189, 191]
"True greatness...does not mean dominance, but service." [James Denney, The Death of Christ, p. 27]
"The descent to hell is easy, and those who begin by worshipping power soon worship evil." [C. S. Lewis, The Allegory of Love, p. 188]
"Human beings hunger for power. German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche argued...that 'the will to power' is the basic human drive.... To be free from all limitations, to transcend the proscriptions of society and God, and to shrug off responsibility for others if such responsibility interferes with personal goals is, according to Nietzsche, what every person naturally craves....
"While I am diametrically opposed to Nietzsche's atheistic beliefs, I appreciate his honest appraisal of things.... Strangely, what this enemy of Christianity says about human nature is very much in harmony with what the Bible teaches.... Nietzsche clearly saw the hunger for power as anti-Christian. Consequently, he declared that Christianity should be abolished.... He knew that Christ's call to servanthood and humility precludes all power games... In short, to be coercive and Christian at the same time is impossible. Christianity is a religion for people who acknowledge their weakness and want to make love the foundation of their lives." [Anthony Campolo, Jr., The Power Delusion, p. 9-11]
"It is not within our power to change people. If they don't change themselves, change will never take place. We can love people, pray for them, offer suggestions, and even confront them. But we cannot change them. The more we try to change people, the worse our relation- ships will become.... The best way to help people change...is to give them freedom.... Of course there is risk involved... That person...might abuse his liberty and make a mess of his life. But...it is his life. And...we cannot live his life for him. Even if he falls flat on his face, that failure in itself may be what it takes to set the change process into motion." [Judson Edwards, What They Never Told Us About How To Get Along With Each Other, p. 82-83]
"Christians often have more problems with needing control than others.... Some even delude themselves into thinking they can control grace...., forgetting that grace is a pure gift. No one can manipulate God into giving. He's too wonderful for such games! Flesh wars against grace because it knows no humility." [Alexander De Jong, Alcoholism and Codependency, p. 111-112]
"...Bearing the infirmities of the weak requires that we...not...'please ourselves,' i. e. indulge our own will and pleasure..., but rather 'let each of us please his neighbor,' conciliate him by forbearance and loving sympathy..." [E. H. Gifford, "Romans," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 222]
"But the command 'to please' has its limits. These are indicated by the end to be sought--'For good to edification'.... When men can be both pleased and profited, it is very right they should be pleased. But it often happens that the two things are utterly incompatible. Even good men cannot always be pleased and profited at the same time. To please, you must sometimes do what would injure them; and to profit..., you must do what is likely to offend them." [John Brown, Analytical Exposition of the Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Romans, p. 545-546]
When such a choice is thrust upon us, the Bible clearly teaches that we are to do what God says is genuinely in the other's best interest even if he is thereby displeased.
I Corinthians 9:19-22
"To be 'as one without the law' does not mean to be 'lawless.'... For Paul the language 'being under (or "keeping") the law' has to do with being Jewish in a national-cultural-religious sense; but as a new man in Christ he also expects the Spirit to empower him (as well as all of God's new people) to live out the ethics of the new age, which are the 'commands of God' (7:19) now written on hearts of flesh (cf. Ezek. 36:26-27)." [Gordon Fee, "The First Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 430]
"The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too." [Samuel Butler in The Portable Curmudgeon, p. 87]
8. Should I be dependent on a friend in a servile way?
There is a great difference between trusting people and trusting in people. While the Bible urges us to love others with a love that "believeth all things" (I Corinthians 13:7; review the material on "FAITH in others" in the index), it warns us not to give people the absolute dependency that should be God's alone.
"Let us not trust in the men of this world, for they are broken reeds.... There is no depending on their wisdom to advise us, their power to act for us, their good-will to us, no, nor upon their promises, in comparison with God, nor otherwise than in subordination to him." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible, III, p. 467]
"Men are...far too apt to depend upon the great ones of earth and forget the Great One above; and this...is the fruitful source of disappointment." [C. H. Spurgeon, The Treasury of David VII, p. 401]
"...Safe as it seems, the security of emotional dependency is like the Chinese water torture. In the beginning, it doesn't hurt, and it can even seem pleasant; but in the end, its cumulative effect is to generate a pain that floods over all other sensations." [William Crisman, The Opposite of Everything Is True, p. 178]
"All God's giants have been weak men who did great things for God because they reckoned on God being with them." [J. Hudson Taylor in Gathered Gold, p. 96]
9. Whose friendship should I be most careful to cultivate?
II Chronicles 20:7
"God, being perfect, has capacity for perfect friendship." [A. W. Tozer, That Incredible Christian, p. 120]
"To know Christ, serve Christ, follow Christ, obey Christ..., fight Christ's battles, all this is no small matter. But for sinful men and women like ourselves to be called 'friends of Christ,' is something...our...minds can hardly grasp... The King of kings and Lord of lords not only pities and saves all them that believe in Him, but actually calls them His 'friends.'... Why should we be afraid to pour out all our hearts...? Certainly our great Master...will never for- sake His 'friends.' Poor and unworthy as we are, He will...stand by us and keep us to the end. David never forgot Jonathan, and the Son of David will never forget His people. None so rich, so strong, so independent, so well...provided for, as the man of whom Christ says, 'This is my friend'!" [J. C. Ryle, "John," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels II, p. 346-347]
"...Worldliness is the enthronement of something other than God as the supreme object of man's interests and affections." [R. V. G. Tasker, "World," The New Bible Dictionary, p. 1339]
Men and women who say they belong to Christ but give their hearts to the world are charged with adultery because they are being unfaithful to their Lord.
I John 2:15-17
"To love the world as it is is the...love...which is 'the enemy of God', because it means I am the friend of the system of things which does not take God into account. We are to love the world in the way God loves it, and be ready to spend and be spent until the wrong and evil are removed from it." [Oswald Chambers, Biblical Ethics, p. 33]
"There were two boys in the Taylor family. The older said he must make a name for the family, and so turned his face toward Parliament and fame. The younger decided to give his life to the service of Christ, and so turned his face toward China... Hudson Taylor, the missionary, died, beloved and known on every continent. 'But when I looked in the Encyclo- pedia to see what the other son had done...I found these words, "The brother of Hudson Taylor."'" [Merv Rosell, Driftwood, p. 15]
"Build your nest on no tree here; for ye see God hath sold the forest to death; and every tree whereupon we would rest is ready to be cut down to the end that we may fly...up and build upon the Rock (Jesus)." [Samuel Rutherford in The Expositor's Dictionary of Texts II, p. 952]
"The love of creatures is deceptive and unstable; the love of Jesus is faithful and enduring. Whoever clings to any creature will fall with its falling; but he who holds to Jesus shall stand firm for ever. Love Him, therefore, and keep Him as your friend; for when all others desert you, He will not abandon you, nor allow you to perish at the last." [Thomas a Kempis, The Imitation of Christ, p. 75]
MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 12
When a book titled Lonely All the Time came to my attention, I winced. That sounded like the story of my life!
I never felt that my father loved me nor was I emotionally open with my mother or brothers. Since my father worked for the U.S. Public Health Service, our family moved about once every two years until I was an adult. I'd just begin to get to know someone and it was time to say goodbye. That meant no close friends. I never learned the knack of intimacy at home or else- where.
When I became conscious of homosexual feelings, I grew afraid of intimacy. To be close was to risk being found out, so I withdrew further into my shell and the loneliness became even more acute. Defensive detachment was my pattern of relating until I lost everything and started to rebuild my life from the ground up.
I had to learn a whole new way of relating. I had always been willing to help others but never learned how to let myself be known and vulnerable so that I could be loved. I knew how to be a friend but had never allowed others to befriend me. I was frightened!
My counselor suggested that I write out what I was looking for in a friend. Having journaled that, I read several books on friendship to "get the lay of the land." Then, I launched out.
I found several friends in my HA chapter. I also found several friends among heterosexual men in church. I reached out to one man who struggled with drug addiction. That friendship was very difficult because of his repeated relapses. I found a very supportive friend in a young attorney. He has moved out of the area, but we are still in touch. I reached out to another man who was going through a painful divorce. He also became a good friend.
The course of these friendships has not always been smooth. I was much too sensitive to any perceived rejection. For example, I was supposed to get together with one friend but he called to cancel because he had to let a repairman into his home. He said maybe we could visit the next day. Fine. But he did not come. I felt some anxiety. When next I saw him I asked when we could get together. He said he'd get in touch with me, but did not. Several times over the next two weeks I asked him to let me know when would be a good time to meet. He said he would, but set no date and did not call. So, I decided that he did not want me for a friend and, hurt and angry, resumed my habit of defensive detachment. I made up my mind to write him off as a lost cause!
In this frame of mind I went to an HA meeting where a member shared his pain in a friendship with a man who was manic depressive. Whenever the man entered his depressive cycle, he became angry and took his frustrations out on the HA member, causing him much suffering. Still, he said he was determined to continue to be the man's friend, no matter what, because, he said, "We are not called by Christ to protect ourselves, but to love."
I got a glimpse of how self-centered my pain was making me and determined to go to my friend and tell him how I felt. I went to his home at once, before I lost my courage. I began by asking him to forgive me because I had been "correctly cool" to him the last time we met. I explained my feelings and closed by telling him I really wanted us to be friends, if he was willing.
He was beautiful! He apologized for not getting back to me, explaining that he had been depressed and withdraws from people when he felt that way--something I could understand only too well. So our friendship was back on track.
I wrote in my journal, "I need to be more willing to risk rejection as I openly share my needs with others. I will at times experience pain in this process, but the alternative is to be alone and easy prey for the old longings." I was learning.
And I'm still learning. There is so much to make up for, but it pays such rich dividends! I'd been in recovery a little over two years when I started traveling for HA. I spent two weeks in California leading an HA Training Seminar and visiting several chapters. I had a wonderful time, everyone was friendly, but, after about ten days, I began waking up with vivid homosexual fantasies. These were not something that came after awakening, but were there immediately--my first conscious thoughts. While I did not think there was any danger that I would act out, the fantasies did trouble me. After four or five days at home with friends, they ceased.
About eighteen months later, I was in Canada for seventeen days. This time there were no fantasies. My level of temptation remained just as it was at home--not altogether non-existent, but not something against which I have to struggle much or of which I am usually even aware.
Further, I was struck by the closeness and deep affection I felt for several of the men and women I met. A few years earlier I had no such feelings of trust and openness with anyone--not even my family. Even the year before I experienced this only with close friends. Now I was enjoying a feeling of caring and being cared for with people I had just met. Having unmet emotional needs from childhood met through healthy friendships enabled me to more easily and quickly form wholesome attachments. Thus the difference in my two trips.
And so I continue to rejoice in the growing wholeness I am experiencing and to reach forth for even better things that lie ahead. I thank God for those needs He meets directly. I thank Him for the needs He meets through others.
HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 12
1) Listen to the tapes Friends and Friendship and What Is Love? under "STEP 12" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 13. Finish the book your step coach recommended to help you with Steps 8-14 and ask him to recommend a book listed under Step 12 on the "HA Book Ministry" list you can begin reading. Continue to work in your workbook. Journal what you learn from all this and share your findings with your step coach.
2) Journal the story of one of your friendships that went sour. In light of what you have learned from Step 12, write what you might do differently if faced with the same problems now. Discuss what you have written with your step coach.
3) List five people you have contact with who might be good candidates for friendship. Journal what you have in common with each and how you might approach building a friendship. Discuss this with your step coach, try to reach out to several of these people, and report to your step coach weekly on your progress and any problems you may be having.
4) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.
Blest be the tie that binds
Our hearts in Christian love:
The fellowship of kindred minds
Is like to that above.
Before our Father's throne
We pour our ardent prayers;
Our fears, our hopes, our aims, are one,
Our comforts and our cares.
We share our mutual woes,
Our mutual burdens bear,
And often for each other flows
The sympathizing tear.
When we asunder part,
It gives us inward pain;
But we shall still be joined in heart,
And hope to meet again.
This glorious hope revives
Our courage by the way,
While each in expectation lives,
And longs to see the day.
From sorrow, toil and pain,
And sin we shall be free;
And perfect love and friendship reign
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St. Thomas Aquinas: ‘Sermons: First Sunday after Epiphany,’ 20.
"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
There is a difference in the heterosexual dynamic but there are similarities. When a heterosexual falls in love he is projecting his suppressed feminine side or what Jung called the animus onto his love object. The gay man is projecting his suppressed masculine side or anima. This is the first difference. The heterosexual is experiencing through his love object a hidden but minor part of his whole self. When the gay man experiences his own masculinity or anima as a projection on the other man he is experiencing a suppressed core part of himself. That is why gay love and gay sex is so intense compared to heterosexual love and sex and why so often it feels like a compulsion. That is also why the experience at the end of a couple of years when reality breaks through so often differs.
For the heterosexual man he may have had the experience he needed to sufficiently "meet" and incorporate this part of himself into himself. The civilizing impact of marriage on men is well documented. As they reunite with this feminine side of themselves they actually incorporate it into their consciousness and passion turns to compassion and this is reflected in a different set of bonding chemicals in the brain. Sexual attraction and attachment to a projection turns to bonding to a real separate person and real love. The relationship can become very close and sweet.
One of the reasons heterosexual marriage is in trouble is that men marry when they are not fully connected to their own masculinity. Most men in modern culture carry wounds from a lack of connection to their fathers meaning their sense of their masculinity is not fully developed. They go to the woman to affirm their masculinity which a woman cannot do. Being immature as men they miss the opportunity to connect to their animus.
When the gay man begins to see through to the other person, the gay relationship does not allow them to reattach in their conscious mind with their hidden masculinity or anima. Instead it makes them even more estranged from their masculinity. You see their anima is a core part of their personality. It is simply to big a part of them to be restored through an affair with a man. Otherwise a gay affair would turn them straight. The drive to reunite with it will not fade because of a few years of interacting with a projection of it. Only doing the kind of gender affirming work that we do in reparative therapy or other men's work will reunite a man with his own suppressed anima. I should mention that in a micro sense the process does work. Within a short time the man I projected on and who now has seen reality break through is no longer sexy to me. In regard to him I am for all practical purposes heterosexual. Many men with a history of acting out have experienced this with a single sex act. Immediately after you are done the person no longer is of any sexual interest to you. You may have experienced this with an image as well. Sometimes when the brain chemistry is right this can take a couple of years. With heterosexual couples the intensity of sexual attraction might fade but not the way it does in gay relationships. That is because they still carry complementary masculine and feminine personalities and bodies. For the gay couple once the projection is gone the sex if it remains at all will be one of convenience rather like consensual sex by heterosexuals in prison.
(Author: Don. Used with permission)