|Posted on January 15, 2015 at 6:35 PM|
Isn't it interesting how many men with same-sex attractions are attracted by "masculine" or "hetero-type" men and bash effeminate men? "Masculinity" is defined through its appearance - which pretty much comes down to muscular, hairy mature men with beards. That is just as distorted a picture of a man as it is to believe make-up, silikon and high heels will turn a man into a woman. Basically, this is a tragic symptom of a deeply-rooted gender identity disorder. The individual tries to find his masculinity either by trying to "look like a man" or at least by bonding with one (i.e. having sex with him). This will never make you a real man - quite on the contrary. It will make the gap between you and your masculine identity even bigger.
|Posted on January 3, 2015 at 10:00 AM|
You are what you are when nobody's watching. If we make fun of "gays" behind closed doors when they can't hear it, how are we any better than the world? We are not helping people with same-sex attractions if we merely criticize their "behavior" as if that was something outside their human existence that they could cut off just like that. We are not helpiing anybody if we separate between "out-and-proud" gays that we attack and those in the closet that we reach out to. Yes, we need to confront certain political agendas, publicly voiced statements and the like, but we become very hypocrite when our goal is not lovingly saving souls, but attacking them like lone crusaders while complaining about the consequences that might bring for our private lives. As Christians we know that what we believe in and what we stand for will not only bring us friends. However, we also know that it is by our fruit that they shall reckognize us. Tertullian, one of the first Christians, said about the way others should be looking at us, "See how they love one another!". Honestly, I miss a good part of that in today's Christianity. And yes, I definitely include myself into that. I have to refoculs as well. Yet bringing up something like "You did it too!" gets us back to the age-old question, "If I jump off a cliff, will you jump after me?" We all are sinners - does that make sin acceptable? I don't think so. The Bible says that a house that is divided cannot stand and there is way too much division in today's Christianity - including the "ex-gay movement". I am in some "gay" facebook groups as well and sometimes I am well reminded why people with same-sex attractions are drawn into that life... We all still have much to learn and I reach out to each and everyone - whether they like me/us or not. If we keep on fighting ourselves, we will not get anywhere. God told us to love and forgive one another, to bear each other's burden. Having said that, I forgive and ask for forgiveness and will do my best to love. Only then will we make the difference in this world.
|Posted on October 10, 2014 at 1:25 PM|
FLIGHT FROM PAIN:
JOURNEY INTO AND OUT OF TRANSEXUALITY THROUGH CHRIST
Bio: Susan T. is the youngest of three girls born and still resides in the eastside of Vancouver, British Columbia. Gender Identity Confusion began when she was a toddler, continuing even when she made Jesus Saviour of her life in 1980. In the early 90's she enrolled in Another Chance Ministries (Marjorie Hopper - Director) as Steve. During this programme, Jesus became Lord of her life and with the power of God beside her began her healing journey. Susan was a pastor for a short time, volunteered in various committees such as Another Chance Ministries. She has been helping in many organizations such as 100 Huntley Street, Vancouver Challenge (Teen Challenge), and various street missions. She is an itinerate evangelist (Phillippines, Indonesia, Canada, Caribbean) and itinerate worship leader.
After taking a sabbatical from ex-gay ministry she began being connected with Exodus Global Alliance in Canada and she is now being used by the Lord to show that though going through the journey to understand Gender Identity Confusion and walk in truth of who she is may come through overcoming some painful steps, it is worth it. And now walks in freedom.
I accepted the Lord as Saviour in July 1980 @ 16 yrs old. He knew where I was but He was waiting for me to see Him. Though born a girl, most of my childhood was filled with my mother implying that I was not a typical Japanese girl & didn't belong. I didn't like what girls were supposed to like, etc. This started my self identification as "I must be a boy" starting in toddler ages. Meanwhile there was always a nagging feeling that my father was missing out because he didn't have a son. The words I chose to embrace from my mother were, “if you were a boy,” etc. or “you're just like your father.” I tried to ignore the words & feelings given from my mother.
When I was 5 our family, except for my dad, went on a trip to Japan from Canada.
At that time people who were in the plane’s boarding area could see their loved ones waiting for takeoff. I remember seeing my father hanging his head and looking so lonely. It was then that I decided that I was going to be the son he never had. I was sad to go but relieved too because there was some molestation happening. But the trip to Japan confirmed that I wasn't feminine. I did not fit in.
When we returned home to Canada, I kept getting worse because the Canadian families I was exposed to (next-door neighbours, TV, etc.) all regularly said “I love you” to each other but my family did not. I did not realize that in the Japanese culture they say I love you by providing for you, taking care of family members, etc. I didn’t understand so I felt totally unloved by my real family. By the age of eight I came very close to stabbing myself a few times but, even though I was a Buddhist, I heard God say ``don`t do it.”
At age 10 (March 11, 1974), I was raped. At this point disassociation started occurring. While the rape was happening to me the sensation was akin to me going out of my body and the experience was happening to someone else. This started my coping
mechanism for flight from pain. I`m a boy -- all that ugly stuff happening to me is because of that body on the outside. As a result at the age of 12 I contemplated more heavily the thought of suicide. I remember I was in my bedroom, placed a knife to my stomach and just as I was about to plunge The Spirit spoke to me and said He loved me which made me stop.
When I was thirteen, CKVU (Channel 13) began airing soft-core porn (geared more for men with sexuality from a man`s perspective) after midnight, starting a 25 year habit for me. At this time I was aspiring to be a male rock singer like BTO and The Guess Who which led me to have long hair. Nobody suspected my problem because I didn`t look butch. My father and I started having physical fights (but we are pretty good father & daughter now). And my mother began blaming me for the problems between her and Dad. I began to look into the Occult.
The Lord really protected me at this time – any relationships with women didn`t last when I told them I was becoming a male (straight or lesbian). On the other hand, men interested in me were all dedicated Christian boys but even during the date I was preoccupied with finding them good Christian women because I saw me dating a male as being a homosexual and I wasn`t a homosexual.
During this time every rejection I felt, every time I wasn't included in group activities, every failure, etc. I accounted to being a failure as a female. I began internally calling myself Steve while still answering to Sue. I decided to be the male. I decided to pursue a normal family where I would be the husband to a normal wife with kids.
I pursued relationships with normal women but they were short-lived because I felt as a Christian I loved them too much to be deceptive (I told them I wasn't physically a male). The lesbians didn't want me because I told them I was pursuing a sex-change operation. The lesbians were all after me until I told them I was having the operation to become a man. The local lesbian (women's) club advised me that I could attend their meetings only until I had my operation. Also my Father in Heaven kept reminding me if I really loved these women I wouldn't lead them to do anything that would jeopardize their relationship with Him. So my love for these people was bitter-sweet cause deep down I knew He was saying truth.
After a while I notified my sisters and sought out my general practitioner. The doctor said she would approve the operation and that I needed to get further approval from a psychiatrist at a Gender Dysphoria Clinic. I had already been passing as a male for a long time even without the hormones. (You had to be living as a male at that time for one year). My non-Christian friends were calling me Steve. I was a rock'n roll musician so having long hair was a norm.
During this time I started going to Christian Life Assembly. I wanted to stop the pain by becoming a male but I also didn't want to lose my relationship with the Lord. After seeing the doctor many times and getting ready to go to the clinic, the time for disclosure was at hand. We were in the chapel and I exclaimed to some of the congregation, “Don't call me Sue, call me Steve. Sue will be no more.” Thank God for a pastor who was growing in the Lord. He began speaking life to me. A conversation I remember is when I stated I felt inferior because I wasn't a pastor, he stated that he thought I had gone farther because I was the first Christian in my family. At this point many of my friends in the church began to really minister to me.
Many of my guy friends took me aside and let me still be one of the guys but I'm sure they prayed for me every day. I got together with 3 guys and we prayed with each other.
My Christian friends also let me know about their own personal struggles so I didn't feel like they treated me as inferior or like a project. By their actions my friends began to instill in me a desire to know The Truth and to live in the Truth. The truth is always the truth no matter how much we try to lie to ourselves. No matter how deceived we are in our gender we can never run away from what came out originally.
My prayer now became ‘Lord Change Me to who You want me to be.’ Either I believe that God will do it or I don't believe in God at all. Either God is Truth (and all His decisions) or He is a liar. My pastor who was humble enough to admit that his 12 pastor staff didn't have the resources to “fix” me referred me to Another Chance Ministries with Marjorie Hopper. Because she was also a struggler of trans-gender issues Marjorie knew better than to call me a lesbian. But I was perplexed as to why I was put in this ex-gay ministry when my being attracted to women was quite heterosexual because I thought of myself as a male. I was indignant when she insisted I join the woman's group instead of the men’s group. I kept wondering what I was doing there. But this was the hand of God.
My small group leader Ruth took the brunt of my “I don't belong in this women’s group” mentality and patiently started talking to me. Ruth never had lesbian issues but she ministered to me better than someone who had been in the lifestyle. She ministered God. As we went through the 32 week programme, she did not put me in a box but uniquely asked the Lord to speak to me. I stayed in the women's group. It would be another 3 years (I was a small group leader) when Marjorie associated me with the L word.
The road to Wholeness in Christ means a break from the flight from pain. When we receive Christ we are broken vessels. As we continue to grow in Him, He takes these broken pieces and makes an object for His pleasure as He heals the pieces. In order to create the object the pieces have to be moved -- they have to submit to the Potter even if it means they go through the fire again. Most importantly they don't react in the same way they did before. As we desire the Lord to set us free we must realize that whatever coping mechanisms we used for our suffering must be submitted to Christ. Continuous surrender. Wholeness in Christ means to give God the final say. He is the only One who can be our all in all. He has big shoulders and just as a raging wound may have to hurt for awhile to properly heal The Lord is with us to walk us through but walking through is imperative. He may do things like corner us to uncomfortable situations to help us get set free.
This began the journey of discovering the lies I believed about myself, lies I believed about others, the damaging effect of labels, inner vows, the importance of understanding inter-cultural practices and communication between generations, the importance of being a team player, that no business is new business (1st Cor. 10:13) – the thought that no one can minister to me because no one has gone through what I went through – is a lie.
BE PATIENT – BE WILLING TO CHANGE IN GOD'S TIME – NOT YOURS.
I am no longer a transsexual and have no desire to be a man. I am happy as the female I was born to be.
(Susan's testimony - used with permission).
My identity? When people ask me whether I am gay, straight or bisexual, I usually answer "I am Robert". That should be enough for them - and myself. Why the need to come up with countless identities? Looking at so many transgender people I feel so sad for them. Why? Because you can never deal with issues on the inside by mutilating a healthy body on the outside. I love those people and they are on my prayer list - which is why I do not join the politically correct choir these days. Men and women are physically and mentally different in so many aspects that it is simply impossible to "transition" from one to the other. Looking at the outcome sometimes, my heart is heavy with grief for some of them. You do not become a woman by using lots of make-up, dressing in pink clothes, wearing high heels or changing your behavior and gestures. Neither do you become a man by wearing lumberjack shirts, growing a beard and a belly, farting and cursing. All of that looks to me like a comic version of a man or a woman (and I do not want to ridicule somebody by saying that - quite on the contrary!). When someone imitates looks, behavior or gestures, I usually start to frown. Why the need to do that? The only reason that comes to my mind then is you might not be happy with yourself as you are. You might not love yourself. That, however, you can never change by altering the outside or swallowing hormones. For those who do not know me, check my homepage: www.robert-gollwitzer.com. You can be "different", not follow every cliche and not copy someone and still be happy with the way you are! Don't get me wrong - it took me decades to come to this point. I do not have to change identities or genders because I am good the way I am! I can fully accept and embrace me now and be the one God created me as! I do not have to undergo surgery, change genders, looks, habits, gestures or facial expressions for Him to love me or for loving myself! I just hope and pray others will come to that point too. You are okay the way you are - no need to change anything, especially not your gender. All the love you need has to come from the inside - and from God. And it does.
It stuns me everytime to see the reaction of people who left their gay lives or Christians in general to pictures of the human body.
If you dare to post a picture of yourself shirtless, you get responses like "disgusting", "not appropriate" and the like.
So what about it?
We can talk at length about our distorted views of ourselves in our gay lives, but seeing a human body still shocks many of us. To cut it short: this might just as well be a sign of a distorted view of ourselves as some may have had in their gay lives. To hide our bodies creates a myth. They become foreign to us, something you are not supposed to show. What is foreign, becomes soon attractive when sexual desires kick in.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with our bodies. No matter what sexual attraction we have, we need a natural relationship to our bodily self! If you keep on hiding it so you and/or others won't get aroused, you cause exactly that! Forbidden fruit tastes best! I am not talking about running naked in the streets, but loving yourself and others like God created you! What is still kind of tolerated in public swimming pools becomes a no-go in the private area. That has to stop! You feed what you hide. The only way to stop an uncontrollable sex drive and lust when it comes to human bodies is to make them normal and natural to us, so we can enjoy them without fainting.
We need to learn to love ourselves and the way we look. That includes expressing your inner self in the way you dress. It hurts me to see how some people with same-sex attractions try to imitate "straight" people by dressing, talking and acting like them. That makes the gap between the two even bigger and causes an even more distorted view of oneself. Be as you are! Don't be a copy cat! Everybody else is already taken, so no need to imitate them!
If you are a man and you don't like to dress up as the regular John Doe, well then dress the way you feel good! People notice when your outward looks don't match your interior. Those looks will change once your inner world is more at peace.
If you are a woman and you absolutely don't like dresses and skirts, well then keep on wearing your jeans!
To think a "gay" person becomes "straight" by dressing up as one (or as they think a straight person looks like) is simply nonsense and can cause you inner harm if it causes or adds to an identity disorder.
Love yourself, then you can love others! Don't let anybody tell you you need to change your looks so that you become acceptable to them! Christian love is unconditional - no "but" attached!