Homosexuals Anonymous

Offering Guidance, Fellowship & Care

Reasons for Change- In the Words of Those Who Did


I am currently doing "The Game Plan" with one of your brothers and he allowed me to publish his list with the 35 reasons why you should leave a homosexual life (or not go into it). As you know, that list serves as a motivation - reading it aloud every morning after Scripture reading and prayer.

So here we go:

1 One it hurts my wife

2 Hurt my kids

3 Have a criminal record - served one year probation

4 God does not approve of such behavior

5 Separates me from the love of God

6 Could get a serious diease

7 Lost my job teaching at the college

8 Could lose my current job if I go porn site

9 Live in denial and a scret life which is not healthy

10 It is not real, but a fantasy that ends in diaster.

11 no love for anyone - it is all about me.

12 lust is out to destory me

13 I cannot make a man love me.

14 True union is btwn a man and a woman

15 my life was out of control

16 hate one night stands

17 does not give me what I am looking for in a relationship

18 never satisfy looking for next big fix

19 in bondage to my false high

20 causes depression

21 causes isolation

22 want to live for Christ

23 lived in fear

24 not socially accepted

25 want to relate to men in a healthy way

26 destroys friendships

27 the chemical release is like a drug and i can't say no

28 cannot distinquist people motives if they real or not

29 not able to be honest

30 not able to trust

31 cripple my ability to be light and salt that the world needs

32 i am deliberatily putting my pleasure before God, wife and kids

33 i am polutting my mind and body

34 i am participating in the sort of evil i said i am against

35 i am not being the man i can be

Because first of all, God designed two genders: male and female. He created them in a way that they are designed for coupling. To go against the nature of said designs indicate a rebellion against the Lord and mental confusion. I left the life because God already revealed to me that it was sin, and homosexuality also caused nothing but fear and grief in my life.
Not to mention the sexual perversion.

1. Relief  from guilt. 

2. Better conscious  

3. No fear  of  catching a venereal disease 

4. Have a better sense of self 

5. Less drama n emotional turmoil 

6. Higher standard of living 

7. Other interest 

8. Enjoying a new life in Christ. 

9. Incompatible with new identity/creation 

10. Broaden my horizons,  new  interests 

11. New friends 

12. A new  world  has opened  up 

13. Learning new  things, new places and new people

14. More real love 

15. More sincere friends 

16. Making new friends opposite sex 

17. Better places to hang out than bars 

18. Personal growth and development 

19. Less jealousy 

20. Less ghetto type of atmosphere

21. Less substance abuse 

22. Less over doses 

23. Less sadness 

24. Less Suicide

25. More happiness 

26 Better adjustment  to society 

27. Discover a new world 

28 Discover a new life after gay life 

29. Less friction with gay drama types 

30. Able to be my self 

31.  support group

32. Able to be more open with others and myself 

33. New and on going relationship with Christ 

34. Started accepting my masculinity 

35. Self esteem improved 

36. Out look has improved 

37. Learned about myself 

38. Got to  know myself 

39. Self-acceptance 

40. No longer have to deal with "so called" shallow friends. 

41. Friendships more sincere and real 

42. It's the right thing to do 

43. Increases your manhood 

44. You become more secure in your being 

45. Learn new things 

46. It benefits you 

47. It educates you 

48. Promotes becoming proactive  

49. Brings you closer to Our Father  

50. Gives you a new experience in Christ. 

51. Releases you from  bondage 

52  No more porno 

53. Better control of your life

I want to leave my ssa life behind because I am losing my self-esteem and my dignity. Not for biblical reasons.

Well homosexuality is wrong for me because it keeps me away from social life living with the 'average' people, relating normally to men...

All that worries me.

To say it without any euphemism: homosexuality does not feel right. Psychologists would say this is a variant of human sexuality. Just find a man and you will be happy. Accept it. Yes this is true what cannot be altered must be accepted but maybe the whole situation can be improved so that I can live with it.

So, You Want To CHANGE?

Author / Contributor :: Anonymous JONAH Man

I was thinking about a statement I recently read from a mental health professional. It was a warning against the whole "change movement" and how guys who try to change, and "fail", are prone to pain, grief and even suicide.

I realize that I am part of this "change movement". I talk with a lot of guys, participate in seminars and experiential weekends, and am frequently quoted. I have become aware that this involvement is not trivial. We're talking about people's lives. I often say that I would never encourage people to take on this "journey". I would never tell a gay person that he is wrong or bad or shouldn't be that way. This journey ain't no picnic either.

But give me a guy who "wants" change. Someone who has it in his heart to find a new life . . . to connect with G-d and his true self and not be lead around by the hole in his chest (and then his penis) . . and I'm off and running. I'll jump in with both feet and all 2000 minutes of my cell phone.

But what of men who hit the "wall"? Those whose ego, willfulness, humanness, whatever, just revolts. The ones who get stuck right smack dab in the middle of the pain. They can't go back to the lie fully and they see no future for themselves. I know them, because I have been one of them . . . and some days, I am one of them. If we tell the truth, we all feel like this at times yet if we don't let our transitory feelings define us, then we can start journeying again once the crisis has passed.

Two years ago I wanted to put a gun to my head. But I couldn't. I decided that a sick, messed-up father, who was fighting for his life, was better than a dad who killed himself. I can be selfish, but not that selfish . . . nobody is better off if someone kills himself. But still, I was willing to give up, to just say f*** it! They are better off without me. I hear that from lots of men.

What am I getting at? I guess it's the responsibility of taking a stand, of speaking my truth that change is possible. That for me, it is, and was, worth every second of the pain, confusion and failures. It scares me when the reality of people's lives comes crashing through. At that moment I am all too aware that after someone calls me, they are then alone at night with their thoughts, fears and pain.

I am often harsh, flip and irreverent when I speak on this issue . . . I guess sometimes that's needed. But again, these are real people with real lives and what I have to say actually influences people. That scares me. I am fearful when I hear statements like the one I heard from the psychologist about the damage this "change" thing can cause. And I believe there are lots of people who mean well but do cause damage.

There are people in AA who kill themselves, they just can't seem to get sober . . . the pain and humiliation gets too great and they end it. AA is still a great and awesome spiritual entity.

How do I end this rant? I guess with speaking what's on my mind. I have a mixture of deep love for the men and women who take this journey . . . and I have a fear of taking a stand. But I'm willing to push through that fear and take a stand, with reality staring me in the face. MY truth is my truth and if it makes waves, so be it. Seems I can't shut up when G-d wants me to talk.

And to those who are in the thick of it, in what I call "no man's land" . . . that place of confusion where the past doesn't work, the future is unclear, and the pain of the present is almost too great to bear, I say hang on, pray with all your heart and soul, yell, scream, talk, and stay connected. The miracle may be closer than you think. Please don't give up on life.

And to Ben, Arthur, Elaine, David M and Richard C . . . I honor you for taking a stand and speaking your truth. I believe in you and your missions . . . and am awed by your courage. Thanks for saving my life and countless others.

Posted December 2004

Why Change?

Author / Contributor :: People Can Change | (Posted February 2008)

Ben Newman, the founder of People Can Change, summarizes 5 basic responses from men who expressed their desire to change sexual orientation.
Written Originally for www.peoplecanchange.com (Dec. 2003)

Why Change? What could possibly motivate us to go against our seemingly "natural" urges and do all the hard work described on this Web site?

To one extent or another, we were all motivated by at least one of the five things listed below, but usually were motivated by a combination of them: We were often miserable "gay"; we wanted to resolve the inner conflict between our homosexual desires and our deeply held beliefs; we wanted to have a family, or preserve the families we already had; we wanted to grow into mature masculinity, which for us meant heterosexual masculinity; and we felt called by G-d to come out of homosexuality into what for us was a far better life.

We were often miserable "gay."

In so many ways, "gay" just didn't work for us. It was so easy to become sex-obsessed in the pornography- and lust-saturated culture of homosexuality. It was so difficult to feel connected to G-d or some kind of higher purpose in a life where the mantra seemed to be, "If it feels good, nothing else matters." We were living in dissonance with the values, beliefs and goals we'd held for a lifetime. We pined for love and acceptance from men, but it seemed that so many gays so idolized youth and physical perfection that we often felt more rejection from our gay brothers, not less.

Still, we kept searching, partly because we didn't know where else to look and partly because we did find moments of pleasure and moments of real connection with good, decent and kind homosexual men. Those were the moments that kept drawing us back to homosexuality, hoping and believing that maybe the next boyfriend, the next encounter, would finally make us feel whole.

But for most of us, the hole inside of us that yearned for male affirmation and acceptance just got bigger the more that we pursued wholeness by engaging in homosexual behavior. Several of us were plagued by thoughts of suicide. Some of us became sex addicts, no longer able to control our obsessive search for sex. Our lives became filled with darkness.

Paul writes:

"For 12 years, I lived life as an openly gay man. I had a partner of three years who I dearly cared for, a family of wonderful loving friends scattered around the world, a house, a new job, and the prospects of a beautiful life. There was just one question that periodically raised its ugly head: Why was I so insufferably miserable?

"I was amazed. I had everything that I ever wanted. Yet, I also felt an incredible black hole inside that seemed to be sucking the life out of me. How could this be? I kept trying desperately to fill it. I read a lot of philosophy, I thought a lot about existence and life, and tried various ways to reach a peace. Nothing worked, not one damn thing. The pain just continued to increase, steadily and persistently. All I wanted to do was cease to exist, to end the suffering."

Ben writes:

"As soon as I 'accepted' that I was gay, and I could deny it no longer, I felt immediate relief from the turmoil of vacillation, but I also felt all my life's goals, dreams and values tossed to the wayside, with no higher purpose to replace them. I was adrift without a moral anchor or spiritual compass. A boyfriend talked theoretically about moral versus immoral homosexuality, but I couldn't see it (perhaps in part because I had met him at a gay bathhouse!). It seemed my 'life's work' would become about pursuing sex with men and trying to feel good about it. I just couldn't look in the mirror and like that kind of a man."

These experiences are confirmed by a myriad of statistics and our own personal experiences in the gay world. We found promiscuity was rampant; within gay circles, we found it was not only a given, it was celebrated and joked about openly. "Permanent" relationships are fleeting, lasting usually just a few months but occasionally a few years. On average, gay men die as much as 20 years earlier than heterosexual men. It is no wonder we were miserable; what is amazing is that so many seem to find fulfillment in that kind of life.

For many of us, our homosexual longings conflicted with deeply held beliefs, causing painful turmoil and confusion.

We could not simply toss aside everything we had come to believe about right and wrong, good and evil, God, and our life purpose. These things were part of our identity, part of how we made sense of the world. Many of us found we couldn't will them away any more than we could will away our homosexual desires. Nor did we want to.

We longed to have a family of our own one day, or, if we were already married or had children, we wanted to hold our families together and be the husbands our wives deserved and the fathers our children deserved.

We couldn't live with the thought of putting our wives and children through so much turmoil just because we couldn't control our lust. We had made promises to them, and we wanted to find a way to keep those promises and live with ourselves in peace.

We longed to grow into a fully mature masculinity, which for us meant heterosexual masculinity.

In short, we wanted to be men, and we simply defined "real men" as straight men. As much as we tried to convince ourselves that homosexual men were just as masculine as straight men, that there was nothing emasculating about having sex with a man or pursuing the gay interests, we felt inside ourselves that that just wasn't true.

Our masculine souls, no matter how buried below a gay identity, longed to feel as masculine as we perceived straight men to be. And we began to realize we would never feel that way as long as we related to men sexually or romantically. We learned that to grow into full masculinity, we would have to grow into heterosexuality.

We felt called by G-d out of homosexuality into what for us was a far better life.

At different times and in different ways, almost all of us turned to G-d in our turmoil, and felt this simple truth deep in our hearts: Homosexuality was wrong for us, and G-d would lead us out of the pain if we turned to him.

This became a powerful motivator in our lives. Coupled with the fact that for the majority of us, being gay just didn't work, a spiritual hope of eventual peace offered a tiny, flickering light at the end of a tunnel. We walked toward it.

And our journey began.

“What a waste to attempt to change behavior without truly understanding the driving needs that cause such behavior!”

― Robert S. McGee, The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God's Eyes

“People who always want to be happy and pursue it above all else are some of the most miserable people in the world.”

― Henry Cloud, Boundaries in Marriage 

For me, it was because I knew without a doubt that I did not have a relationship with God while I lived the way I wanted to. In the end, I wanted God on his terms and was ready to let go of living on my own terms. And I was in no doubt that while I was in lesbian relationships, he was silent - although I know he was there, loving and looking out for me - but when I surrendered, and walked away from my lesbian life, I re-found my relationship with Jesus and it was mended. And that mattered more to me than anything else. It was an exchange of something less for something better.