Homosexuals Anonymous

Offering Guidance, Fellowship & Care

STATEMENT ON THE HEALING OF HOMOSEXUALITY

Homosexuals Anonymous does not try to "heal" persons with same-sex attractions as from a disease. When we talk of "healing", we mean divers wounds: hurts in the individual past, a broken relationship with God or other people, a broken relationship with the father or other family members, and much more.

We offer help to those who want that so their wounds can heal and they can pursue whatever they see as their personal goals.



A concept that needs to be considered both by the counselor and the counselee when it comes to unwanted same-sex attractions is the gain someone might have. That concept can also be applied beyond illness or disorder:

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Primary morbid gain or secondary morbid gain are used in medicine to describe the significant subconscious psychological motivators patients may have when presenting with symptoms. It is important to note that if these motivators are recognized by the patient, and especially if symptoms are fabricated or exaggerated for personal gain, then this is instead considered malingering.

Primary morbid gain produces positive internal motivations. For example, a patient might feel guilty about being unable to perform some task. If a medical condition justifying an inability is present, it may lead to decreased psychological stress. Primary gain can be a component of any disease, but is most typically demonstrated in conversion disorder – a psychiatric disorder in which stressors manifest themselves as physical symptoms without organic causes, such as a person who becomes blind after seeing a murder. The "gain" may not be particularly evident to an outside observer.

Secondary morbid gain can also be a component of any disease, but is an external motivator. If a patient's disease allows him/her to miss work, avoid military duty, obtain financial compensation, obtain drugs, or avoid a jail sentence, these would be examples of a secondary gain. An example would be an individual having stomach cramps when household chores are completed by a family member. In the context of a person with a significant mental or psychiatric disability, this effect is sometimes called secondary handicap.[1]

Tertiary morbid gain, a less well-studied process, is when a third party such as a relative or friend is motivated to gain sympathy or other benefits from the illness of the victim.

References

DSM-IV-TR

1) Jones, Robert, Carmel Harrison, and Melany Ball. "Secondary Handicap & Learning Disability: A Component Analysis." Mental Health and Learning Disabilities Research and Practice, 2008, 5, 300-311.

(Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primary_and_secondary_gain September 8th 2019)


Are You Feeling Suicidal?


Even though your pain may seem overwhelming and permanent at the moment, there are ways to deal with suicidal thoughts and feelings and overcome the pain.

I’m having suicidal thoughts, what do I need to know?

No matter how much pain you’re experiencing right now, you’re not alone. Many of us have had suicidal thoughts at some point in our lives. Feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn’t mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. It only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. But with time and support, you can overcome your problems and the pain and suicidal feelings will pass.

Some of the finest, most admired, needed, and talented people have been where you are now. Many of us have thought about taking our own lives when we’ve felt overwhelmed by depression and devoid of all hope. But the pain of depression can be treated and hope can be renewed. No matter what your situation, there are people who need you, places where you can make a difference, and experiences that can remind you that life is worth living. It takes real courage to face death and step back from the brink. You can use that courage to face life, to learn coping skills for overcoming depression, and for finding the strength to keep going. Remember:

Your emotions are not fixed – they are constantly changing. How you feel today may not be the same as how you felt yesterday or how you’ll feel tomorrow or next week.
Your absence would create grief and anguish in the lives of friends and loved ones.
There are many things you can still accomplish in your life.
There are sights, sounds, and experiences in life that have the ability to delight and lift you – and that you would miss.
Your ability to experience pleasurable emotions is equal to your ability to experience distressing emotions.

Why do I feel suicidal?

Many kinds of emotional pain can lead to thoughts of suicide. The reasons for this pain are unique to each one of us, and the ability to cope with the pain differs from person to person. We are all different. There are, however, some common causes that may lead us to experience suicidal thoughts and feelings.

Why suicide can seem like the only option

If you are unable to think of solutions other than suicide, it is not that other solutions don’t exist, but rather that you are currently unable to see them. The intense emotional pain that you’re experiencing right now can distort your thinking so it becomes harder to see possible solutions to problems, or to connect with those who can offer support. Therapists, counselors, friends or loved ones can help you to see solutions that otherwise may not be apparent to you. Give them a chance to help.

A suicidal crisis is almost always temporary

Although it might seem as if your pain and unhappiness will never end, it is important to realize that crises are usually temporary. Solutions are often found, feelings change, unexpected positive events occur. Remember: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Give yourself the time necessary for things to change and the pain to subside.

Even problems that seem hopeless have solutions

Mental health conditions such as depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder are all treatable with changes in lifestyle, therapy, and medication. Most people who seek help can improve their situation and recover. Even if you have received treatment for a disorder before, or if you’ve already made attempts to solve your problems, know that it’s often necessary to try different approaches before finding the right solution or combination of solutions. When medication is prescribed, for example, finding the right dosage often requires an ongoing process of adjustment. Don’t give up before you’ve found the solution that works for you. Virtually all problems can be treated or resolved.

Take these immediate actions

Step #1: Promise not to do anything right now

Even though you’re in a lot of pain right now, give yourself some distance between thoughts and action. Make a promise to yourself: “I will wait 24 hours and won’t do anything drastic during that time.” Or, wait a week.

Thoughts and actions are two different things—your suicidal thoughts do not have to become a reality. There is no deadline, no one’s pushing you to act on these thoughts immediately. Wait. Wait and put some distance between your suicidal thoughts and suicidal action.

Step #2: Avoid drugs and alcohol

Suicidal thoughts can become even stronger if you have taken drugs or alcohol. It is important to not use nonprescription drugs or alcohol when you feel hopeless or are thinking about suicide.

Step #3: Make your home safe

Remove things you could use to hurt yourself, such as pills, knives, razors, or firearms. If you are unable to do so, go to a place where you can feel safe. If you are thinking of taking an overdose, give your medicines to someone who can return them to you one day at a time as you need them.

Step #4: Don’t keep these suicidal feelings to yourself

Many of us have found that the first step to coping with suicidal thoughts and feelings is to share them with someone we trust. It may be a family member, friend, therapist, member of the clergy, teacher, family doctor, coach, or an experienced counselor at the end of a helpline. Find someone you trust and let them know how bad things are. Don’t let fear, shame, or embarrassment prevent you from seeking help. And if the first person you reach out to doesn’t seem to understand, try someone else. Just talking about how you got to this point in your life can release a lot of the pressure that’s building up and help you find a way to cope.

Step #5: Take hope – people DO get through this

Even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now manage to survive these feelings. Take hope in this. There is a very good chance that you are going to live through these feelings, no matter how much self-loathing, hopelessness, or isolation you are currently experiencing. Just give yourself the time needed and don’t try to go it alone.

Reaching out for help

Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time. Reach out to someone. Do it now. If you promised yourself 24 hours or a week in step #1 above, use that time to tell someone what’s going on with you. Talk to someone who won’t try to argue about how you feel, judge you, or tell you to just “snap out of it.” Find someone who will simply listen and be there for you.

It doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it’s someone you trust and who is likely to listen with compassion and acceptance.

How to talk to someone about your suicidal thoughts

Even when you’ve decided who you can trust to talk to, admitting your suicidal thoughts to another person can be difficult.

Tell the person exactly what you are telling yourself. If you have a suicide plan, explain it to them.
Phrases such as, ‘I can’t take it anymore’ or ‘I’m done’ are vague and do not illustrate how serious things really are. Tell the person you trust that you are thinking about suicide.
If it is too difficult for you to talk about, try writing it down and handing a note to the person you trust. Or send them an email or text and sit with them while they read it.

What if you don’t feel understood?

If the first person you reached out to doesn’t seem to understand, tell someone else or call a suicide crisis helpline. Don’t let a bad experience stop you from finding someone who can help.

If you don’t know who to turn to:

In the U.S. – Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or IMAlive at 1-800-784-2433.

In the UK and Ireland – Call Samaritans UK at 116 123

In Australia – Call Lifeline Australia at 13 11 14

In other countries – Visit IASP or Suicide.org to find a helpline in your country.

How to cope with suicidal thoughts

Remember that while it may seem as if these suicidal thoughts and feelings will never end, this is never a permanent condition. You WILL feel better again. In the meantime, there are some ways to help cope with your suicidal thoughts and feelings.

If You Have Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings

Things to do:

Talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquaintances to spend time with you. Or continue to call a crisis helpline and talk about your feelings.
Make a safety plan. Develop a set of steps that you can follow during a suicidal crisis. It should include contact numbers for your doctor or therapist, as well as friends and family members who will help in an emergency.
Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what. Keep a regular routine as much as possible, even when your feelings seem out of control.
Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30 minutes a day.
Exercise as vigorously as is safe for you. To get the most benefit, aim for 30 minutes of exercise per day. But you can start small. Three 10-minute bursts of activity can have a positive effect on mood.
Make time for things that bring you joy. Even if very few things bring you pleasure at the moment, force yourself to do the things you used to enjoy.
Remember your personal goals. You may have always wanted to travel to a particular place, read a specific book, own a pet, move to another place, learn a new hobby, volunteer, go back to school, or start a family. Write your personal goals down.

Things to avoid:

Being alone. Solitude can make suicidal thoughts even worse. Visit a friend, or family member, or pick up the phone and call a crisis helpline.
Alcohol and drugs. Drugs and alcohol can increase depression, hamper your problem-solving ability, and can make you act impulsively.
Doing things that make you feel worse. Listening to sad music, looking at certain photographs, reading old letters, or visiting a loved one’s grave can all increase negative feelings.
Thinking about suicide and other negative thoughts. Try not to become preoccupied with suicidal thoughts as this can make them even stronger. Don’t think and rethink negative thoughts. Find a distraction. Giving yourself a break from suicidal thoughts can help, even if it’s for a short time.

Recovering from suicidal thoughts

Even if your suicidal thoughts and feelings have subsided, get help for yourself. Experiencing that sort of emotional pain is itself a traumatizing experience. Finding a support group or therapist can be very helpful in decreasing the chances that you will feel suicidal again in the future. You can get help and referrals from your doctor or from the organizations listed in our Recommended reading section.

5 steps to recovery

Identify triggers or situations that lead to feelings of despair or generate suicidal thoughts, such as an anniversary of a loss, alcohol, or stress from relationships. Find ways to avoid these places, people, or situations.
Take care of yourself. Eat right, don’t skip meals, and get plenty of sleep. Exercise is also key: it releases endorphins, relieves stress, and promotes emotional well-being.
Build your support network. Surround yourself with positive influences and people who make you feel good about yourself. The more you’re invested in other people and your community, the more you have to lose—which will help you stay positive and on the recovery track.
Develop new activities and interests. Find new hobbies, volunteer activities, or work that gives you a sense of meaning and purpose. When you’re doing things you find fulfilling, you’ll feel better about yourself and feelings of despair are less likely to return.
Learn to deal with stress in a healthy way. Find healthy ways to keep your stress levels in check, including exercising, meditating, using sensory strategies to relax, practicing simple breathing exercises, and challenging self-defeating thoughts.

Suicide crisis lines in the U.S.:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or IMAlive at 1-800-784-2433.

The Trevor Project offers suicide prevention services for LGBTQ youth at 1-866-488-7386.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline offers referrals for substance abuse and mental health treatment at 1-800-662-4357.
Suicide crisis lines worldwide:

In the UK and Ireland: Call Samaritans UK at 116 123.

In Australia: Call Lifeline Australia at 13 11 14.

In Canada: Call Crisis Services Canada at 1-833-456-4566.

In other countries: Find a helpline near you at Befrienders Worldwide, IASP, or International Suicide Hotlines.

(Source: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/are-you-feeling-suicidal.htm. December 13th, 2019)


Sexual Attraction Fluidity Exploration in Therapy (SAFE-T):
Creating a clearer impression of professional therapies that allow for change
Christopher Rosik, Ph.D.

During its May 27th, 2016, meeting, the board of the Alliance
for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity (ATCSI) voted unanimously to endorse new terminology that more accurately and effectively represents the work of Alliance therapists who see clients with unwanted same-sex attractions. The board has come to
believe that terms such as reorientation therapy, conversion therapy, and even sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE) are no longer scientifically or politically tenable. Among the many reasons the board felt it time to retire these older terms as much as possible were the following:
1. These terms imply that categorical change (from exclusive SSA to exclusive OSA) is the goal. This is a degree of change that is statistically rare and not demanded of any other psychological experience as a condition of legitimate psychological care.
2. The current terms imply there is a specific and exotic form of therapy that is being conducted (not standard therapeutic modalities)
3. These terms imply that sexual orientation is an actual entity (i.e., the terms all reify sexual orientation as immutable).
4. The terms imply that change is the therapist’s goal and not that of the clients (i.e., it’s coercive rather than self-determined).
5. These terms (especially SOCE) do not differentiate between professional conducted psychotherapy and religious or other forms of counseling practice.
6. These terms have been demonized and/or developed by professionals completely unsympathetic to therapies that allow for change in same-sex attractions and behaviors.

This means that Alliance clinicians are immediately on the defensive as soon as they reference their therapeutic work in these terms.
For all these reasons and more, first the Alliance Executive Committee and then the Alliance Board discussed potential new terminology and finally settled upon the name "Sexual Attraction Fluidity Exploration in Therapy" (the acronym of which is SAFE-T). The Board believes this term has many advantages that commend its usage. First, it addresses all of the concerns noted above. It does not imply that categorical change is the goal and in so doingcreate unrealistic expectations for many clients. Nor does it imply that change which is less than categorical in nature cannot be meaningful and satisfying to clients. It also makes clear thatSAFE can occur in any number of mainstream therapeutic modalities. Furthermore, by focusing on sexual attractions it avoids the implicit assertion that orientation changes or that orientation asan immutable reality even exists. By stressing therapeutic exploration, the new term accurately conveys that the therapist is not being coercive but merely assisting individuals in a client-centered examination of their sexual attractions. The Board also appreciated the fact that the acronym SAFE-T immediately challenges portrayals of the professional therapy utilized byAlliance clinicians as harmful.
Scientifically, the fluidity of sexual orientation (and, for our purposes, especially same-sex attractions) for many women and men is now beyond question (Diamond & Rosky, 2016; Katz-Wise, 2015; Katz-Wise & Hyde, 2015). The language of SAFE-T highlights this reality and points to human experience that cannot be denied, again without the complicating focus on orientation. The only counterarguments to SAFE-T on fluidity grounds might be that therapy-assisted fluidity has not been proven to occur and such efforts could be harmful. These arguments are much easier to defend against with SAFE-T than when one is trying to defend implications of complete orientation change. First, we know that sexual attraction fluidity occurs in response to relational and environmental contexts, the very factors that therapists routinely address in their work (Manley, Diamond, & van Anders, 2015).
Second, there is research in progress to support the occurrence of therapy-assisted sexual attraction fluidity (Santero,Whitehead, & Ballesteros, 2016; Pela & Nicolosi, 2016), not to mention a rich history of past research, as good as any research of its era (Phelan, Whitehead, & Sutton, 2009). Finally, recent research on “ex-ex-gays” (e.g., Bradshaw, Dehlin, Crowell, & Bradshaw, 2015; Flentje, Heck, & Cochran, 2013) tells us no more about SAFE-T than research focused on divorced consumers ofmarital therapy would tell us about its safety and efficacy. While itis reasonable to conclude that more research is needed to better comprehend the extent of therapy-assisted sexual attractionfluidity, denying the potential for such a therapeutic processwould seem to be much more a matter of ideological compulsion than it is one of theoretical or scientific implausibility.
Due to all of these important considerations, the ATSCI Board encourages Alliance members and supporters to join them in employing the terminology of SAFE-T in their professional work. One might say, for example, “I practice a cognitive form of SAFE-T” or “I practice SAFE-T from an interpersonal perspective” or “There is no scientific basis for banning any form of SAFE-T” or even “I don’t do SOCE, I only practice SAFE-T.” Because this term
represents what Alliance clinicians actually do in a scientifically accurate and defensible manner, the Board anticipates that the professional interests of these therapists and the public policy interests of supporters will be much better served by SAFE-T.

References
Bradshaw, K., Dehlin, J. P., Crowell, K. A., & Bradshaw, W. S. (2014).
Sexual orientation change efforts through psychotherapy for LGBQ individuals affiliated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
Advance online publication. doi: 10.1080/0092623X.2014.915907
Diamond, L. M., & Rosky, C. (2016). Scrutinizing immutability: Research on sexual orientation and its role in U. S. legal advocacy for the rights of sexual minorities.
The Journal of Sex Research. Advance online publication. doi: 10:1080/00224499.2016.1139665
Flentje, A., Heck, N. C., Cochran, B. N. (2013). Sexual reorientation therapy interventions: Perspectives of ex-ex-gay individuals.
Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health, 17, 256-277. doi: 10.1080/19359705.2013.773268.
Katz-Wise, S. L. (2015). Sexual fluidity in young adult women and men: Associations with sexual orientation and sexual identity development.
Psychology & Sexuality, 6, 189-208.
doi: 10.1080/19419899.2013.876445
Katz-Wise, S. L., & Hyde, J. S. (2015). Sexual fluidity and related attitudes and beliefs among young adults with a same-gender orientation.
Archives of Sexual Behavior, 44, 1459-1470. doi: 10.1007/s10508-
014-0420-1
Manley, M. H., Diamond, L. M., & van Anders, S. M. (2015). Polyamory, monoamory, and sexual fluidity: A longitudinal study of identity and sexual trajectories.
Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 2, 168-180.
doi: 10.1037/sgd0000107
Pela, C., & Nicolosi, J. (2016, March).
Clinical outcomes for same-sex attraction distress: Well-being and change.
Paper presented at the Christian Association for Psychological
Studies conference, Pasadena, CA.
Phelan, J. E., Whitehead, N., & Sutton, P. M. (2009). What the research shows: NARTH’s response to the APA claims on homosexuality.
Journal of Human Sexuality, 1, 5-118.
Retrieved from , http://www.scribd.com/doc/115507777/Journal-of-
Human-Sexuality-Vol-1
Santero, P. L., Whitehead, N. E., & Ballesteros, D. (2016).
Effects of Therapy on U.S. Men who have Unwanted Same Sex Attraction. Manuscript submitted for publication.

A Healthy Mind in a Healthy Body!

Some people with same-sex attractions tend to neglect the importance of health in their struggle, so let’s talk a little about that.
Health is crucial for all of us. Christians know that their body is the temple of the Lord and this is why we need to take care of it and keep it in good shape. Note that we are not simply talking about physical health here, but also mental and spiritual health.

Here some points to ponder (note that these are NOT medical advices. Talk with your doctor or therapist about these points! Also these are only some points. I am sure there is a lot more to think about!):

Physical health:
• Make sure you go for a check-up to your doctor and dentist at least once a year.
• Watch your food habits (in short: Try to eat much fruit and vegetables – if possible uncooked. Cut down on alcohol, coffee, sugar and meat. Drink enough water each day. Make sure your food comes from your area and not from other countries. Eat the fruit and vegetables that grow during the season you are in. Eat whole grain products and brown or wild rice and avoid superfine flour and husked rice. Avoid fast food. Also avoid heating meals in the microwave. Avoid products that are chemically changed a lot.)
• Get a daily structure regarding the times you get up and go to bed, the times you eat and so on.
• Get enough sleep (thumb rule: eight hours a day).
• Do sports on a regular basis (like going to the gym, hiking, walking, swimming or whatever else there is). Even 30 minutes of walking a day can do you much good.
• Follow your doctor’s advice.
• If you have serious physical problems or problems that have been going on for some weeks already, don’t hesitate to go to your doctor.

Mental health:
• Make sure you get enough rest and also fun times in your life.
• Learn about ways to calm down (like autogenic training, muscle relaxation according to Jacobson and the like).
• Find out the stress factors in your life and eliminate them if possible.
• Surround yourself with things you like. If you don’t like the color of the wall in the kitchen, change it!
• Learn about healthy ways to set boundaries.
• Find out about your emotional needs and learn to meet them a healthy way.
• Make sure your social needs are met a healthy way.
• If you have been hurt, seek someone to talk about it. Then learn to forgive! Don’t let past hurts ruin the rest of your life!
• Get a positive attitude. Your perspective on things makes the difference!
• Work on your masculine (for women: feminine) identity. Seek the company of other men (women) to learn from them and grow with them. If possible, take part in programs like Men’s Fraternity.
• Keep your mind busy. Life is not a long and silent river. We need to keep on learning, growing and maturing.
• Find out about your calling in life. Thumb rule: Find out what you are passionate about. God gave us our passions for a reason!
• Get a mentor if possible.
• Surround yourself with healthy men (women).
• Seek good friends!
• If you have serious mental problems or problems that have been going on for some weeks already, don’t hesitate to go to a psychiatrist. Follow his advice.

Spiritual health:
• Set up a daily structure. You would not ride a motor bike without a helmet, so don’t start the day without putting on your spiritual armor either! Pray, meditate and read the Bible each morning!
• Seek a spiritual mentor.
• Join a local church community.
• Find out about spiritually unhealthy things or people in your life and avoid them if possible.
• Do works of love.
• Repent and confess your sins regularly. Find out about practical steps to make amends or to avoid sinning in the future.
• Pray like there is no tomorrow.

Robert



What if I have a powerful same-sex drive? Why shouldn't I go for it? I can't stay alone for the rest of my days! Why can't I be happy too? - All questions that do have a real and sometimes painful background. So how about it? Let's start with the powerful sex-drive. The temptation is strong, if that drive has built up for many years - maybe because you had nobody to talk to and/or saw no other alternative than to finally yield. However, if there is one thing I had learned during the many years in the gay scene involving many sexual encounters with men and sexual practices you might not even heard of, then it is this: If you think you can quench that thirst from your sex drive by "going for it", then you better forget that right now. It's not going to happen. On the contrary: Once you break a taboo, the next one will be so much easier to get out of the way. Once you try to still your sexual drive by having sex with members of the same sex, you tasted blood and will want more. And more. And more. Being "creative" will become the new norm - and your life will turn around "being gay". If you think that is fun, let me tell you this: Yea, at the beginning it is like a wall crumbling down. "Finally I can be myself!" (much later you might realize that this was only a very distorted picture of yours). That big high, however, will soon make way for embitterness. You don't want to go there. There are reasons why you have those same sex attractions. Many different factors contributed to the development of your ssa - and need to be dealt with. Also there are legitimate physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs behind your attractions. Those needs need to be adressed and satisfied a healthier way. Keeping all of that in mind, it is irresponsible to just forget about all that and tell people to "go for it". That is cheap. Seeking the quick fix will quench your thirst for a short time, numb the pain and help you forget about things - much like a drug addict does by getting loaded. However, sex does not heal and on the long rund things will get much worse. You exchange true satisfaction for the easy way out.

But what about having to stay alone for the rest of your days? If you mean "lonely" by "alone", then let me remind you that you can - and likely will - be very lonely in the gay scene. Being "alone" is something different. It is a gift that Jesus often used when He went out in the desert to pray. We need to be alone at times to spend some good quality time with ourselves and with God. To be able to be alone is a true treasure. Ever since I left the gay scene, I found times to be "alone", but most of the time the Lord grants me time to spend with the many true friends He brought into my life ever since and with the people He leads to me to help them get back on their feet again. I have never been less "lonely" than since I had left the gay life. I have found a true meaning and purpose in life and also my life has changed in all areas.

So what about "being happy"? I think it is a big misconception in today's culture and society that once with throw something in the "love"- or "being happy"-pool, everything is fine. No, it isn't. Being "happy" is not a criteria that something is good or morally acceptable. An alcoholic who just had a bottle of wodka might say he is "happy" now. A family father might have just left his wife and kids to live with his new girlfriend, "love" her and be "happy" with her for the rest of his days - it would still be unacceptable adultery in a Christian's eyes. Following Christ will give you true joy and tell you about the difference between "being happy" and finding that joy only God can give. And please don't mistake love for a fuzzy feeling. Feelings come and go. Love is a covenant where one person gives himself or herself (reflecting Christ's life-giving covenant with His bride, the Church) and where the two take the willful decision to stay together for their whole lives to become one flesh again. Again? Yes, our sexual drive hints back to the beginnings, where Eve was taken from Adam's flesh. This drive seeks that union back again - becoming one flesh. So much one you have to give this "one" a name nine months after.

To cut it short: I know it isn't easy to leave the gay life. It can be very scare as you have no idea what you signed up for and where this will take you. So for the beginning I give you this piece of advice: Scratch together the little faith and trust you can find in you and put it on God. And then let yourself fall and begin the journey - step by step. God has never broken any of His promises. He will be with you every second of the way and lead you out of this. Promised.


Where is the victory?

Men and women with unwanted same-sex attractions often meet in local or online groups, seek out therapists and get all those wonderful resources out there. All good and nice. Nothing to be said against that. And yet, you have some who keep on telling you they’ve tried “everything” and “nothing” worked so far. Oh really. After years and years of dealing with those folks that I love with all of my heart, here some points to ponder (or better: kicks in the butt):

-    So you’ve tried everything. Did ya. Usually, a closer look reveals that they tried nothing for real. They might show up at one or two meetings, or order a book – and this is it. If you want to succeed, however, you need perseverance and a high stress and frustration tolerance. You need to be able to set yourself a goal and go for it – no matter how long it takes and how hard it will be. If you are not willing to do that, don’t blame it on the group, the people there, the program, the genes, your past, your parents or whomever else then. Your just a quitter looking for lame excuses.
-    In many cases, self-pity is both a symptom and part of the cause of same-sex attractions. A baby that does not perceive himself or herself to be loved will start pitying himself/herself in order to get some love this way. A really tragic and sad thing to happen. This will take on till he or she is grown up, if nothing will be done against it. Usually, the individual does not even realize that. Other people start getting ticked off by the constant whining and complaining and think he or she is a wimp or worse. So if you struggle with that and already realized it, do something against it. Stop the whining. Stand up and fight! Learn to love and enjoy life and start working on your masculine/feminine identity. But PLEASE stop the whining! Whining is the easy way out in struggle. You see yourself as the poor and helpless victim. Take responsibility for your own life and act like a man/woman! There is no shame in being scared, but there is if you let your fear overcome you!
-    Go for results. General bla-bla won’t get you far. Set yourself big goals (they really can’t be too big!), cut them in little goals and start making plans. Example: Instead of saying, “I will try to become a better person” (which is nothing else but a wishy-washy statement that will never lead to anything!), make your goal measurable and hold yourself accountable: “Until next Friday I will contact the volunteer program in our church and ask if I can join them in building houses for the poor. And I will tell Bill about it.” Like that you have a fix date, a measurable goal and someone that will hold you accountable.
-    If you are a follower of Jesus (or Jew, Muslim – whatever), show that your faith is for real. Stop begging God to take “it” away from you – while comfortably leaning back doing nothing and waiting for God to do “His” job. Yes, God is a gracious and loving Father – and much like a worldly father who teaches his little son how to ride a bike, the Lord will teach you: Jesus died for you on the cross so you can be free – so the power of sin is already broken! You ARE free and the only thing that hinders you in realizing that is your lack of belief! As to your recovery in all other realms (like your family history, your emotions, identity questions, possible emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse or whatever else), He will teach you how to do it – but you need to trust Him and walk His path! Stop holding yourself back with lame excuses and finally trust Him! Even if bad things should happen, you know then that you are never alone! Let His love overflow you so you will become radiant with this love and joy! If we don’t have something to be joyful about, then who should?
-    No man is an island. Neither are you. You grow in and through the company with others – so you should give something back and help others with unwanted same-sex attractions. This means accepting responsibility on a long-term basis. You won’t help anybody when you only show up somewhere when you feel like it. You might be (or feel) “different”. That is not a bad thing in and of itself. Let this “being different” become a blessing for others! Find out about your gifts and talents and use them for God’s glory!
-    And last but not least: Get structure and discipline in all areas of your life: sexually, financially, healthwise, emotionally,  relationally, socially, spiritually etc. Get yourself motivated each and every day by setting up a structure plan. Start your day by putting on your spiritual armor through prayer and Bible study and then throw yourself into the great and unbelievable adventure called life. Don’t waste it by shying back. Stand up and be the one God called you for! There is no victory in whining and complaining and finding a good excuse to reject all help and remaining a passive victim for good. There is no victory in blaming others for your inability to get your own stuff in order. There is no victory in begging God for what He already gave you, but what you continue to run away from: Complete freedom! What are you so afraid of? That you might really be free someday and be responsible for your own life? That through acting like a man/woman you might finally become one? That you might grow up to become and adult? Get your butt up and learn how to fly!!

Robert


Why is the only condition we have on someone who wants to join Homosexuals Anonymous the will to be free? Because without it everything else would be futile. You have to know what you want and you have  to really want it. You need a passion to go for your goal, no matter what. If there are no emotions involved and you try to reach a goal simply through a change of cognitive thinking patterns, or because someone else wants you to and you have not the slightest wish to do so, this only become negative stress for you. It is all about how you see and evaluate this goal of being free of same-sex attractions and the way that leads to that. For some it is a drag, a pain in the butt. For others the same tools are an exciting challenge.

Think about it.

Rob



The Guilt Trip & the Avoidance Trap


People with unwanted same-sex attractions or sexual problems in general often focus on living a sexually clean and pure life. They make sure all triggers are eliminated and when they hold one another accountable, they would usually bring up all those moments they failed – in thought or actions. Then again, they wonder why they never make any progress, why there is no victory in their struggle.


So what’s wrong with that picture?


In short: A problem will not go away by suppressing it and legitimate needs are not met by ignoring them. Or in other words: You can’t just run away from the bad – you need to run towards the good too.


Yes, we need a good foundation – which means eliminating all triggers in and from our lives. That includes things and people that either arouse us sexually in an inappropriate way or lead us astray so we won’t reach our goal. Contrary to what some might believe, this will not be a mere behavioral change – it can and will have consequences on many different areas of our lives.

However, living a pure and chaste life is a means to a goal – never the goal itself! Even healthy sexuality in a monogamous heterosexual marriage serves a function – it is for the good of the spouses and for procreation of children.


Yes, a celibate life is possible – but it should never stop at not doing something. That sexual energy can and must be used another way so it can bear rich fruit. For some that means increased creativity and socializing, as well as coming up with many ideas on how to do things differently. Find out for yourself what it means to you.


Sexual activity can also numb legitimate needs for a while – like the need for socializing, relationship, affirmation, etc. It can serve as a misguided way to deal with a gender identity disorder. And it can serve as a painkiller to deal with past hurts or unmet family needs (like the love and appreciation of the same-sex parent).


So just cutting down on inappropriate sexual activity and thoughts won’t cut it. Sex does not heal – neither does the elimination thereof.


Besides, if we spend all our energy and time on focusing on what not to do and think, we are reaching the opposite. If I tell you over and over again not to think of a rose elephant – what are you thinking of? Right, even if you haven’t done so for all of your life.


What then is the “good” we are supposed to run towards?


It includes: Working on one’s male/female identity, finding a purpose and meaning in life, living a physically, mentally and spiritually healthy life, finding out about our God-given passions and gifts and using them for His glory, working on our relationships to family members and men and women in general, becoming stress- and frustration-resistant, learning to focus on a goal and going for it no matter what, and finally: dreaming & acting big. Our lives are too short for anything less.


So stop merely avoiding things by trying not to do or think something. Don’t put yourself down forever and ever if you fall, but rather stand up again, find out why it happened and do better from now on. Stop living in the past but look into your future instead. Don’t put the blame on others or on circumstances beyond your reach. Don’t throw a big pity-party. Accept full responsibility for your life and live it to the fullest!


Life is an incredible adventure. No, it might not be easy street – but ever so much worth being lived!


Robert



Weder Homosexuals Anonymous noch Jason International geben irgendwelche Heilversprechen ab noch bieten wir eine Psychotherapie an. Wir sind Selbsthilfegruppen und bieten Hilfesuchenden seelsorgerischen Beistand. Uns geht es nicht darum, Menschen von "homosexuell" zu "heterosexuell" zu machen. Einerseits, weil dies grundsätzlich nicht unser Ziel ist (das Ziel eines Christen ist letztendlich die Heiligkeit. Ein keusches, gottgefälliges Leben ist bestenfalls Ausdruck und Weg des Glaubens, nicht aber das Ziel. Nicht-Christen unter uns stehen wir bei, ein selbstgestecktes Ziel zu definieren und zu erreichen. Auch hier liegen die Ziele in der Regel ganz wo anders).

Gleichwohl anerkennen wir das Recht von Menschen mit gleichgeschlechtlichen Neigungen, die unter diesen leiden, eine Therapie mit einem Therapieziel ihrer Wahl in Anspruch zu nehmen.

Heutzutage wird ja immer gerne die moralische Verwerflichkeit von "Reperativtherapien" oder "Konversionstherapien" herausgestellt - vor allem von aktiven Schwulen selbst. Die Wissenschaft springt leider gerne auf diesen Zug - auch wenn ein derartiges Vorgehen wissenschaftlicher Forschung widerspricht. Es ist nicht Aufgabe der Wissenschaft, moralische Urteile zu fällen. Auch darf Wissenschaft niemals freie Forschung unterdrücken, nur weil diese politisch unkorrekt ist.

Die heutige wissenschaftliche Datenlage:

Sexualität wird von vielen verschiedenen (!) Faktoren beeinflusst. Aktuelle Forschung weist darauf hin, dass sexuelles Empfinden durchaus zur Fluidität neigen kann - also keineswegs in Stein gemeißelt ist.

Selbst genetische Prädisposition (die im Falle von "Homosexualität" keineswegs belegt ist) bedeutet keinesfalls, dass jemand, der ein (fiktives) "schwules" Gen hat, auch zwangsweise gleichgeschlechtlich empfinden wird oder gar so handeln muss (wir sind nicht Sklaven eines Gencodes).
Epigenetik hat uns gelehrt, dass es von weiteren Faktoren (etwa der Umwelt) abhängt, ob und inwiefern Gene zum Tragen kommen oder deaktiviert werden. Umweltbedingungen etc. können sogar zur Änderung der DNA (also des "Gencodes") und der Gehirnstruktur beitragen (was ganz neue Schlussfolgerungen zulässt!).

Ein pauschales Urteil darüber, ob sexuelle Orientierung veränderbar ist, halten wir aus wissenschaftlicher Sicht deshalb nicht für möglich (aus spiritueller Sicht sehr wohl - was für den Menschen unmöglich ist, ist für Gott möglich!). Geschweige denn dass wir anderen vorschreiben, ein solches Urteil als richtig oder falsch anzuerkennen.

Für uns ist dies aus eingehender Argumentation heraus auch unwichtig, da unsere Aufgaben und Ziele anderswo liegen.

Wo jedoch Grenzen überschritten werden, ist, wenn wissenschaftliche Erkenntnisse (etwa DNA-Markierungen) als Begründung für moralische Akzeptanz oder "Natürlichkeit" herhalten müssen. Das ist nicht mehr Wissenschaft, das ist Propaganda übelster Art.

Würde man diese Argumentation logisch weiter führen, würde man schnell zu absurden Ergebnissen führen.

Wir fordern deshalb Wissenschaftler auf, sich für die Neutralität der Wissenschaft einzusetzen.

Politiker fordern wir auf, dem Druck einer Minderheit stand zu halten und für ihre Werte einzustehen!

Geistliche fordern wir schließlich auf, ihre Aufgabe wahrzunehemen und Menschen, die ein gottgefälliges Leben führen wollen, dabei zu unterstützen - koste es, was es wolle!

Lisa Diamond on sexual fluidity of men and women